I love my husband! He is truely the best!

My husband let me sleep in, which a gift i don't often get. He got up with the girls and made them breakfast, while I slept. I finally got out of bed around ten am knowing that I had to get Aireanna ready for her visitation with her mother. She playfully ran around the house telling me how much she loved me and how excited she was to get to go see her mommy. The night before I took her shopping and let her pick out something to give her mommy for mothers day. Something that would be from her only. She helped me prepare it in the gift bag she picked out herself and she colored the card she picked out herself. Aireanna was so proud of herself, it was really cute. I dressed her in a new outfit I bought for her then did her hair, then got ready myself. We waited for our caregiver to get here because Meagan did not want to go to grandma house. We took Aireanna to her mom's and watched her older sister have a meltdown, which is a constant occurrence in that home. They reluctantly we left, hoping she would be ok. My husband took me to a wonderful dinner at the KEG and to a movie. We even went to the bookstore and got a case for my nook, which was what I wanted for mothers day. When we got home with Aireanna, she had her bath, then Meagan had her bath, then it was bed for the both of them. All in all it was a good day spent alone with my man. We don't get that very often, so it was really nice to be together. I love my husband!!!!

I hate DSHS!!!!

I have a foster child that is my niece. I received a letter saying they are terminating her medical and income, its dated 4/18/11 and it terminated 4/30/11. How is this possible, she is still in foster care and a ward of the state. I called her CPS case manager two weeks ago when I got the letter  about her medical going to be cancelled and of course i have not gotten a call back. So typical of CPS, they are quick to respond for BS complaints, but when its something that is important got forbid they be responsible and call. So I call the supervisor leave her a message, a week goes by and still no call. God Help me before I lose my mind. They never answer the phone. So I decide to call again finally the supervisor answers but she doesn't know what is going on. I decided to call DSHS myself, was on hold for 45-minutes and thirty seconds after she answers the problem is taken care of. OMG!!! I wish CPS would have said this from the beginning so I would not be freaking out about her medical Another disaster averted. I feel like I am walking through a mine field, it so frustrating!

Last night I dreamt about my dad again. It was so real, I had to force myself to remember he is dead! It really sucks. I wish I could see him one more time. I have been looking for my wedding video, but I can't find it  anywhere. I just want to see him alive and happy. But I think if I keep thinking this way I am just going to take ten more steps backwards. I already dream about him most nights. They are never happy dream either. They are always like the pictures his wife left me and the voice mails she kept that she let me listen to. I did not know I would not feel so empty. I keep telling myself that the sadness will go away and I will find peace again, but its not coming and I don't know how to make it better.

I am still dealing with the in-law term oil, I don't know how much more I can take of this term oil. I love Aireanna so much that maybe I should rip the bandaid off now and have another family take her. Then I don't have to feel the loss as much when she leaves. I grown so attached to her. I know that is normal and all. But she calls me MOM, I don't enforce it, but I think its the only way she feel part of a family. She even call Meagan sister and Adam dad. Its almost like her were her surrogate family. The problem I have is that I can't hurt her that way, plus if the state decides to terminate her mom parental rights I want to be able to keep her in our family and not have her adopted by strangers. I am at the point that I can't imagine our home without her, that makes me feel bad, I know I am not her mother. I am not trying to replace her mother. I am just trying to be supportive to her and provide her with a consistent, safe, structured home environment.  What am I going to do, I have no support from my in-laws, they say they love me but their actions speak volumes of who they really care about. Their son and I are alone in this world and I know that now more then I have ever before. It breaks my heart in so many ways, I love them like they are my real family but I am not their blood.

Lately we have been talking about moving away, possible out of state to start  over, once all this custody crap is over. We feel like there is no longer anything keeping us here.  The problem with that is I love my family way too much to live too far from them. I live through my nieces and nephews because I don't get to do the same things with my daughter and I can't imagine not having a relationship with them. That would kill me. Plus all of Meagan's doctor's are here and I need that consistency, but I could move closer to my mom and rent out my house. I don't know what I want anymore!

When will sadness end and the happiness begins?

For Seven months I have been fostering my niece Aireanna to help out my in-laws and because I love her like she is my own child. She is so special, sweat, and a perfect addition to my family. It was hard to begin with. Life changing. You go from having a normal life to having an extra body to feed, clothe, love, and take care of properly. I love this little girl like she is from my body. I know logically that she is not mine and that she will be going home some day. But for now I am taking it all in and enjoying her while I still can. The problem is the future. What am I going to do when I have to give her back? I though I would only have her a few weeks maybe a couple of months, but not this long. I have allowed myself to get too attached to her and its going to break my heart when she gets to go home to her mother. I will be happy for her mom and sad for my loss. Its a mixed bag of nuts.

Lately she has been calling me mommy, I keep telling her that I am not her mommy, I'm her auntie, but she always responds the same, "No, your my mommy here and she is my mommy there." She is so cute, and smart. She wants to be accepted the same here as my daughter Meagan, she longs to be as important to me as Meagan is. I keep reassuring her that its ok, for her to love me and her mommy and that her living here doesn't mean her mommy loves her any less. But she is only three almost four, a still doesn't understand the logistics. Lately things have been really hard. Her mom and I had a fight over me trimming her hair. Aireanna came home from daycare with tree sap or glue in her hair. I could not get it out of her hair. I even took her up to the barber shop up the street where my friend Lenny works. He said he could not get it out and had to cut it out. Aireanna has been a baldy most of her life. But since she has been in my care I have been taking good care of her hair and its grown alot. I tried to call her mom more then ten times and gave up before I cut her hair. The following Sunday she had visitation with her mom and she called me freaking out about me cutting Aire's hair off. I tried to explain to her that she was not available for me to ask, as it is most of the time lately and she flipped out calling me a fucking bitch and then hung up on me, instead of letting me tell he what happened.

The following tuesday we had class together at first she was giving me dirty looks and ignoring my existence. I had to tell her about my daughter being injured and that I might need to bring over her daughter and then she seemed to warm up and stop acting that way. I thought things were going to work themselves out like they have in the past. By the past I mean, a few years ago she stole my credit cards, debit card and even our quarter collections. Plus who knows what else. It took me two or three years to sort of get over with, or put it sort of past me. But the reality is she has not changed much from then. She stole around $1500.00 from us just ten days before christmas. My bank account was massively overdrawn and my family did not get much of a christmas. It was a really dark time in my life, she was my best friend. I shared everything with her . She knows things about me that I had never shared with anyone. It broke my heart that she could care so little about me and her brother to hurt us that way. But with that being said, I forgave her, I will never forget it but I have forgiven her. Even though her family just acts like it never happened. Let just sweep it under the rug and act like no one got hurt. I never could understand why things are this way.

My husband is held at a completely different standard then his sister. Its not fair. Her parents bought her a brand new car(which she destroyed), they pay all her bills for her and she lives with them. We bought a home by the time I was 23, bought our own cars, have never borrowed money from them ever, yet now we are in financial hell, we need help but there is none to give us, we are on our own. I sit here writing this while my little Aireannaok? Will Aireanna always know how much I love her? Will her mom ever appreciate the sacrifices we have made to help her? Will she be safe when she goes home? Will her sister hurt her again? Will she be emotionally ok? So many questions I can't answer.

State budget crisis affects everyone, Vote people vote!

As most of you know I am the mother of a child that is disabled. She is 12  and her name is Meagan. When Meagan was three she got her first manual wheel chair which has been a much used necessity. We still have that same chair and Meagan has grown out of it. So for the last year we have been trying to get the state to approve a new chair, with no luck yet. Meagan's chair has gotten so dangerous she can tip over in it and she screams if she is not completely harnessed in her chair.  We desperately need this chair because we do not have a van that has a wheelchair lift in it to transfer her power chair, so we use her manual chair for everyday life. I can't believe they are giving us so much trouble when it is the only chair they have purchased in almost ten years. Crazy!!!

To ad insult to injury in 2005 I bought a brand new mini van, a Toyota Sienna. I was so excited because it was going to make our lives so much easier and it really has. The sales person assured me that our van could be modified when we needed it and that Toyota even gives a $1000 towards this modification, however he did not bother to tell me that we have to order the van pre-modified from Toyota to support a lift. So now with our daughter getting much bigger and our bodies failing for various reasons, we need a new chair and soon a wheelchair ramp van, but are so poor that is not possible. We are barely surviving on the income we make now and our credit has been destroyed with the loss of our business and rental house. I feel like we are never going to get ahead of the chaos that has taken over our lives these last few years. I find myself feeling lost again and scared.

I decided to go to college so I can have a future with a career that makes me happy. I don't care if I make a ton of money, I just want to work and be happy. It might take several years of schooling but after spending 16 years at my last career and leaving the way I did. I find myself needing to have meaning to my life. There are so many unanswered questions lately, that have fogged up my brain. With my dad dieing I have scars so deep emotionally that I don't know when they will ever heal. I live with the constant fear of something happening to my daughter. I am in pain constantly from my injuries and terrified for the surgeries that are coming my way. I feel such a loss in my life that I don't know how to fill the void.

I have over extended myself trying to help my husband's sister and raising her daughter. Keep in mind this is in addition to taking care of my daughter who requires 100% care, as well as going to school full time, advocating for my sister-in-laws kids, trying to help her lawyer keep her out of jail, and keep my husband happy. Friday I had to trim Aireanna's hair (my foster niece) because she came home from daycare with something in it that would not wash out. I trimmed maybe a quarter inch. Her mom calls me today flipping out on me for not consulting her about cutting Aireanna's hair. I was shock by her hostility. I have cut her hair two other times and she has never said anything to me before, in addition I have custody of her, I don't need to tell her anything I choose to do with her child, she lost that right when she was placed in my home. In addition too, she would not have near the relationship she has with her, if it wasn't for me agreeing to take her into my home. I was trying to explain to her that I don't always call her about these things because she doesn't answer her phone when she called me a f-ing Bitch and hung up on me. This is the person I have stuck up for constantly and helped constantly so she could get one of her two children back. I have gone to every court hearing to support her and turned my life upside down for the last seven months just to help her and her children. I am done, no more will I continue to do these things for people that don't even appreciate them. I am so tired of people using me and taking me for granted, I have no more to give. Its time for some people to grow up and take care themselves instead of having everyone do everything for them. It blows my mind when I think about everything I have done for people and then try to think about what have they done for me. Mostly nothing, a few loads of dishes and laundry after I had surgery. WOW!! That's the thanks I get. No more, I am done. I will no longer help people that are completely capable of helping themselves, yet choose not to and are to selfish to appreciate what everybody does for them. Plus I will not be talked to that way by anyone period. God I love my life can it please get better!!!

Now the doctor's want to start all over again with new genetic testing. Ahhh!

It has been several years since any testing has been done on Meagan and now the doctor's want to start all over and re-due every test they have already done. But they also want to do muscle biopsy, which I am terrified about because they take a piece of muscle and test it. I don't want to put her through that pain, its very scary. I almost don't want to know. We are happy right now and I don't want to do anything that will change it. However, if she does have something that is life threatening but manageable I want to do everything I can to give her long and happy life. Decisions, decision, why can't life be easy? I am also scared to know the truth, what if she does have a genetic disease? That means we definitely won't be having anymore children. That makes me really sad. I always pictured us have two children hopefully a girl and boy. But that is not the cards that we were dealt and I will have to be a big girl and do the right thing. They are going to start out with the blood tests again and more MRI's. I know its going to be fine but there is nothing worse then not knowing and waiting for all the test to come back negative. I am only going to work with that thought process because anything less would be a dent in my armor. I love my daughter more than my own life and would give it without a single thought if she could have a normal life. Why did this have to happen to her. I remember when she was a baby and I used to tell everyone they better keep on Meagan's good side because she is going to be the first female president. I'm sure every parent feels this way about their children. Our children are our legacy. One thing I have learned in the last six months is that I am even stronger than I thought and my future is going to be limitless. I know this and I will work my ass off to get it! But still in the back of my mind I am terrified to get bad news. I don't know how I will deal with that. I can't even imagine a world that does not include my baby.

How do you cope with death when there is no closure.

It has been ten days since I found out my father died. I am lucky I have a very strong family there for me. I am recovering from spinal surgery and every time I cry it hurts so bad, I cry even more. All I can think about is my dad. I dream about him every night. I woke myself up because I was talking and crying in my sleep. I am miserable because of the pain from my surgery and the pain of my loss. My dad used to call me his short cake and when I was little he would take me to work with him. He drove metro transit and I used to love going to work with him. Riding all over Seattle, boring at times but it was fun to be with him. I missed him alot after my parent divorce, so every visit was precious to me. He used to stop the bus a take me to lunch at this little sub shop even though he had passengers. It was hilarious the passengers would get so pissed off but he would just laugh and take me to lunch. I loved this time with him, being the youngest of three, I never got as much one on one time with my parents. I remember when my grandpa was still alive and my dad was living with them in the third bedroom he would let me sleep with him. I felt so safe rapt up in his arms. My dad was a big guy and gave the best hugs. He would wrap his arms around me and say "MY BABY! MY BABY!" I always felt so special when he did this. I have been trying so hard to spend my time either being completely busy so I don't think about him being gone or I spend the rest of the time trying hard to only remember the good times. The hard part is there is alot of bad times and they cloud my brain. I know its not healthy to focus on them but sometimes I can't help it. I am so pissed at him for dieing and not letting me say good bye or save him. I could have given him part of my liver and he could possible still be alive and that is what I am having a hard time living with. If I had made more of an effort I could have saved his life. But I got busy raising my family and being stubborn and now my dad is dead and I can't do anything to change that. I don't even have any pictures of us together except from my wedding.

It  has really hit me harder than I thought it would. I know with time the pain will fade, but I don't want it to because then I will really forget him and that may be actually worse. I hope he is happy where ever he is and I truely hope I will see him again. But for now I am going to keep on raising my family and honor his name my  being the best mother, wife, sister, best friend I can. I am going to college in two weeks, which is really exciting. I know he would have been proud of me for this. Starting over with my life is really scary but I have a really good feeling that I am making the right decision and it will be very rewarding to go to college when I was never able to before. I am starting all over again, the beauty is that I have plenty of time because I am still young.

My daughter doesn't really understand that her grandpa or papa as she called him is dead, she is not really able to understand. But when I told her that he is in heaven with her dog chewy that died she said, "Awe cute!" For the first time in a week I laughed which hurt like hell. She is what make my world go round and round. She is why I get out of bed each day. She is so damn special, you would have to know her to really grasp what I am saying. I am blessed that I have such a special little girl and husband. Thank you everyone for your kind words it has really helped me during this very hard time.

How do you say good bye when you did not know your dad was dead?

I just found out yesterday that my dad died. His name was Kenneth Edward Towns 7/18/1949-9/5/10. We had been estranged for the last couple of years. But there was not a day that went by that my heart did not ache for him. I should have swallowed my pride and went over and made amends when I had the chance and now I never will. I loved him so much it feels like there is a whole in my heart. I just got out of surgery and when I was waking from anesthesia I was crying. i did not even realize it but I was crying. My doctor sat at the head of my recovery bed and told me I would be OK. But I don't really know that it is true. How will I be able to forgive myself for not making an effort when my dad was so sick and dying for two year. Granted I did not know he was sick, but I can only live in the what if's right now. I know I am a strong women but I have never felt more alone in my life, even though I have all of my family by my side I still feel so alone. I really hope the saying is true that our loved ones are looking down upon us and watching us and loving us, because I would have wanted nothing more then to tell my daddy, I was sorry and that I loved him and missed him so much. I hope he knows how much me and my siblings loved him and feel the loss of him so deeply, more deeply then any of us thought we would. You never know how much you love someone until they have been taken away from you and you don't get that closure you need. To my family and followers grab on to those around you and never let them go, don't forget to tell them you love them no matter what is going on in your lives. I will never get that chance and that is something I will carry with me always. Daddy I miss you so much it hurts more than the surgery I just went through. Love you always and I will try my best to focus on what the positives were and not the negatives. I am thankful you had your wife to be there for your in the end, I will always be sorry that I was not there. I love you always.