Life is too crazy these days!!

I just finished my first semester in college and I got 104%, 101% and 94%!!!!! Super proud of myself. Tomorrow is court day, I always get scared because it could be my last day with my niece that I have had custody of for almost nine months now. Also on Wednesday Meagan is getting more Botox injections and then on Thursday I am having shoulder surgery. Is my life crazy busy or what? If I lose Aireonna tomorrow, I am going to be devastated, but I have learned a very valuable lesson in taking her into my home and heart. I am even stronger than I thought I was and I now know more than ever before that Adam and I need to have another child. The only thing that is stopping me right now is my injuries. I know I cannot carry a child with a herniated low back disc. So I am going to get all healed up and I am going to have a baby next year or so, no rush! But I also don't want to wait forever, Meagan is 12 and I don't want my kids to be that much further apart in age. I have started making a scrap book of our time with little Aireonna, so that when she does go home and Meagan misses her I can pull out the book and she can look at it and hopefully it will make her not miss her so much. For me, I think I am going to get counselling. I have had so many losses in my short life that I have to find another way to put them away in a health manner. It hard enough having a child with special needs, but I have never really dealt with the pain of it, there is never any time to deal with my feelings. I have too many others that have to come first. I know that is not the healthiest thing in the world but such is life, no matter how bad I feel or sad I feel they need me and they come first. I can have my pity parties when I am alone.
College has been really interesting, I am glad I waited until now to go because if I had went when I was younger I don't think I would have done as good or taken it as seriously. All of my instructors gave me incredible compliments and that felt really good. I have a hard summer quarter coming up. It will definitely be a test of what I can do, but I am super excited about it. I am in a really good place right now. I still have some hard days but things are getting better: I paid off my van and caught up my house so we wont be losing either which is a huge relief. Now we just got to get some of our other debts settled and we will be in the best position we have been in, in about five years. Its progress!

Does anyone know what its like to have custody of a family members child?

I know I have written about my family and all that has been going on with fighting the state. I have temporary custody of my niece and she is truly a precious child, but it is getting harder everyday knowing I will have to give her back. Even though I knew that this would happen, it doesn't change the fact that I will be heart broken. I tried not to let myself get so attached, but that is impossible when you have this sweat little girl in your home everyday, you cuddle every morning and every night. She tells me she loves me so much and she misses me when she is gone. It's really hard, raising a child that is not your own and that has to go back to its own home. Its also very confusing for her. She has been with me over seven months now and she is comfortable here, but also she yearns for her mommy. I have done the best I know how to make her feel at home and secure, but I am not her mommy. She is extremely jealous that her sister gets to be home and she doesn't and that is hard to explain to a four year old, why she can't be home when her sister is. She is so sweat to my daughter and waits on her every whim. Whenever she is at visitation my daughter asks nonstop when her baby is coming back and one of these day I am going to have to tell her that she is not coming back. But at least we are family and will be able to see her, its not like she will disappear out of our lives for good. I have been taking a lot of pictures lately, I thought if I made my daughter her own photo album, she could look at it whenever she misses her baby. Its just really sad. I am so stupid for letting myself get so attached, but this is an impossible situation. My husband and I have been talking about whether we she remove ourselves from this situation, but we can't that would hurt her too much and we can't do that either. What are we going to do?

Death, strikes us all at some point, We know this but why won't it stop hurting?

The last two days I find myself, missing my dad, terribly. I have been dreaming about him again and it shocks me every time, because it feels so real. I have been blessed to make amends with some people that were very important to me for over ten years and it has really helped me alot. But, today I awoke to a call from a friend from school. Two weeks ago he lost his daughter in Africa and today he lost his mother. I feel his pain because of my own loss. I know nothing about the loss of a child but the loss of a parent I am living. I feel so deeply for his pain and unrelenting sadness that has affected him lately. I find myself praying constantly and I am not a religious person. I am terrified I will lose my mother, I don't know what I would do if I lost her. When ever I am alone, I find myself crying alot. I want this grieving to stop but it plagues me constantly. I know my dad did alot of bad things, but I still love him and miss him none the less. I wish I could have seen him and said good bye, maybe I would not be feeling this way. I hope he knows that beyond all the drama and fighting, we all loved him. We fought because my mom and dad's raised us to be fighters and stand up for ourselves, but most of all we were raised to love each other and never forget that family is what matters the most. Friends will come and go but family you are tied to forever and that never changes. They will be there for you when no one else is and they are who is important.

I guess the point is that "I forgive you dad." "I forgive you for hurting my mom, for abandoning us whenever you had a new girlfriend, I forgive you for hurting Mary, I forgive you for hurting me and my sibling by not telling us you were sick and not letting us save your life. I forgive you for not playing a role in my daughters life, I forgive you for not saying goodbye to me. I forgive you for not playing much of a role in my life when I was growing up, I forgive you for always calling me three day after my birthday when it was actually your dogs birthday. I forgive you for the letter that destroyed our family. I will always love you and remember you every time I look in the mirror. I will raise my daughter better than the example you showed me. I will keep your memory alive in how I live my life. I will show my family that they mean everything to me and no matter what disagreement we have, I will never let it stop us from being a family. Right now I am broken, but I know it will heal, but I will never forget.  I will carry you in my heart for as long as I live."

I love my husband! He is truely the best!

My husband let me sleep in, which a gift i don't often get. He got up with the girls and made them breakfast, while I slept. I finally got out of bed around ten am knowing that I had to get Aireanna ready for her visitation with her mother. She playfully ran around the house telling me how much she loved me and how excited she was to get to go see her mommy. The night before I took her shopping and let her pick out something to give her mommy for mothers day. Something that would be from her only. She helped me prepare it in the gift bag she picked out herself and she colored the card she picked out herself. Aireanna was so proud of herself, it was really cute. I dressed her in a new outfit I bought for her then did her hair, then got ready myself. We waited for our caregiver to get here because Meagan did not want to go to grandma house. We took Aireanna to her mom's and watched her older sister have a meltdown, which is a constant occurrence in that home. They reluctantly we left, hoping she would be ok. My husband took me to a wonderful dinner at the KEG and to a movie. We even went to the bookstore and got a case for my nook, which was what I wanted for mothers day. When we got home with Aireanna, she had her bath, then Meagan had her bath, then it was bed for the both of them. All in all it was a good day spent alone with my man. We don't get that very often, so it was really nice to be together. I love my husband!!!!

I hate DSHS!!!!

I have a foster child that is my niece. I received a letter saying they are terminating her medical and income, its dated 4/18/11 and it terminated 4/30/11. How is this possible, she is still in foster care and a ward of the state. I called her CPS case manager two weeks ago when I got the letter  about her medical going to be cancelled and of course i have not gotten a call back. So typical of CPS, they are quick to respond for BS complaints, but when its something that is important got forbid they be responsible and call. So I call the supervisor leave her a message, a week goes by and still no call. God Help me before I lose my mind. They never answer the phone. So I decide to call again finally the supervisor answers but she doesn't know what is going on. I decided to call DSHS myself, was on hold for 45-minutes and thirty seconds after she answers the problem is taken care of. OMG!!! I wish CPS would have said this from the beginning so I would not be freaking out about her medical Another disaster averted. I feel like I am walking through a mine field, it so frustrating!

Last night I dreamt about my dad again. It was so real, I had to force myself to remember he is dead! It really sucks. I wish I could see him one more time. I have been looking for my wedding video, but I can't find it  anywhere. I just want to see him alive and happy. But I think if I keep thinking this way I am just going to take ten more steps backwards. I already dream about him most nights. They are never happy dream either. They are always like the pictures his wife left me and the voice mails she kept that she let me listen to. I did not know I would not feel so empty. I keep telling myself that the sadness will go away and I will find peace again, but its not coming and I don't know how to make it better.

I am still dealing with the in-law term oil, I don't know how much more I can take of this term oil. I love Aireanna so much that maybe I should rip the bandaid off now and have another family take her. Then I don't have to feel the loss as much when she leaves. I grown so attached to her. I know that is normal and all. But she calls me MOM, I don't enforce it, but I think its the only way she feel part of a family. She even call Meagan sister and Adam dad. Its almost like her were her surrogate family. The problem I have is that I can't hurt her that way, plus if the state decides to terminate her mom parental rights I want to be able to keep her in our family and not have her adopted by strangers. I am at the point that I can't imagine our home without her, that makes me feel bad, I know I am not her mother. I am not trying to replace her mother. I am just trying to be supportive to her and provide her with a consistent, safe, structured home environment.  What am I going to do, I have no support from my in-laws, they say they love me but their actions speak volumes of who they really care about. Their son and I are alone in this world and I know that now more then I have ever before. It breaks my heart in so many ways, I love them like they are my real family but I am not their blood.

Lately we have been talking about moving away, possible out of state to start  over, once all this custody crap is over. We feel like there is no longer anything keeping us here.  The problem with that is I love my family way too much to live too far from them. I live through my nieces and nephews because I don't get to do the same things with my daughter and I can't imagine not having a relationship with them. That would kill me. Plus all of Meagan's doctor's are here and I need that consistency, but I could move closer to my mom and rent out my house. I don't know what I want anymore!

When will sadness end and the happiness begins?

For Seven months I have been fostering my niece Aireanna to help out my in-laws and because I love her like she is my own child. She is so special, sweat, and a perfect addition to my family. It was hard to begin with. Life changing. You go from having a normal life to having an extra body to feed, clothe, love, and take care of properly. I love this little girl like she is from my body. I know logically that she is not mine and that she will be going home some day. But for now I am taking it all in and enjoying her while I still can. The problem is the future. What am I going to do when I have to give her back? I though I would only have her a few weeks maybe a couple of months, but not this long. I have allowed myself to get too attached to her and its going to break my heart when she gets to go home to her mother. I will be happy for her mom and sad for my loss. Its a mixed bag of nuts.

Lately she has been calling me mommy, I keep telling her that I am not her mommy, I'm her auntie, but she always responds the same, "No, your my mommy here and she is my mommy there." She is so cute, and smart. She wants to be accepted the same here as my daughter Meagan, she longs to be as important to me as Meagan is. I keep reassuring her that its ok, for her to love me and her mommy and that her living here doesn't mean her mommy loves her any less. But she is only three almost four, a still doesn't understand the logistics. Lately things have been really hard. Her mom and I had a fight over me trimming her hair. Aireanna came home from daycare with tree sap or glue in her hair. I could not get it out of her hair. I even took her up to the barber shop up the street where my friend Lenny works. He said he could not get it out and had to cut it out. Aireanna has been a baldy most of her life. But since she has been in my care I have been taking good care of her hair and its grown alot. I tried to call her mom more then ten times and gave up before I cut her hair. The following Sunday she had visitation with her mom and she called me freaking out about me cutting Aire's hair off. I tried to explain to her that she was not available for me to ask, as it is most of the time lately and she flipped out calling me a fucking bitch and then hung up on me, instead of letting me tell he what happened.

The following tuesday we had class together at first she was giving me dirty looks and ignoring my existence. I had to tell her about my daughter being injured and that I might need to bring over her daughter and then she seemed to warm up and stop acting that way. I thought things were going to work themselves out like they have in the past. By the past I mean, a few years ago she stole my credit cards, debit card and even our quarter collections. Plus who knows what else. It took me two or three years to sort of get over with, or put it sort of past me. But the reality is she has not changed much from then. She stole around $1500.00 from us just ten days before christmas. My bank account was massively overdrawn and my family did not get much of a christmas. It was a really dark time in my life, she was my best friend. I shared everything with her . She knows things about me that I had never shared with anyone. It broke my heart that she could care so little about me and her brother to hurt us that way. But with that being said, I forgave her, I will never forget it but I have forgiven her. Even though her family just acts like it never happened. Let just sweep it under the rug and act like no one got hurt. I never could understand why things are this way.

My husband is held at a completely different standard then his sister. Its not fair. Her parents bought her a brand new car(which she destroyed), they pay all her bills for her and she lives with them. We bought a home by the time I was 23, bought our own cars, have never borrowed money from them ever, yet now we are in financial hell, we need help but there is none to give us, we are on our own. I sit here writing this while my little Aireannaok? Will Aireanna always know how much I love her? Will her mom ever appreciate the sacrifices we have made to help her? Will she be safe when she goes home? Will her sister hurt her again? Will she be emotionally ok? So many questions I can't answer.

State budget crisis affects everyone, Vote people vote!

As most of you know I am the mother of a child that is disabled. She is 12  and her name is Meagan. When Meagan was three she got her first manual wheel chair which has been a much used necessity. We still have that same chair and Meagan has grown out of it. So for the last year we have been trying to get the state to approve a new chair, with no luck yet. Meagan's chair has gotten so dangerous she can tip over in it and she screams if she is not completely harnessed in her chair.  We desperately need this chair because we do not have a van that has a wheelchair lift in it to transfer her power chair, so we use her manual chair for everyday life. I can't believe they are giving us so much trouble when it is the only chair they have purchased in almost ten years. Crazy!!!

To ad insult to injury in 2005 I bought a brand new mini van, a Toyota Sienna. I was so excited because it was going to make our lives so much easier and it really has. The sales person assured me that our van could be modified when we needed it and that Toyota even gives a $1000 towards this modification, however he did not bother to tell me that we have to order the van pre-modified from Toyota to support a lift. So now with our daughter getting much bigger and our bodies failing for various reasons, we need a new chair and soon a wheelchair ramp van, but are so poor that is not possible. We are barely surviving on the income we make now and our credit has been destroyed with the loss of our business and rental house. I feel like we are never going to get ahead of the chaos that has taken over our lives these last few years. I find myself feeling lost again and scared.

I decided to go to college so I can have a future with a career that makes me happy. I don't care if I make a ton of money, I just want to work and be happy. It might take several years of schooling but after spending 16 years at my last career and leaving the way I did. I find myself needing to have meaning to my life. There are so many unanswered questions lately, that have fogged up my brain. With my dad dieing I have scars so deep emotionally that I don't know when they will ever heal. I live with the constant fear of something happening to my daughter. I am in pain constantly from my injuries and terrified for the surgeries that are coming my way. I feel such a loss in my life that I don't know how to fill the void.

I have over extended myself trying to help my husband's sister and raising her daughter. Keep in mind this is in addition to taking care of my daughter who requires 100% care, as well as going to school full time, advocating for my sister-in-laws kids, trying to help her lawyer keep her out of jail, and keep my husband happy. Friday I had to trim Aireanna's hair (my foster niece) because she came home from daycare with something in it that would not wash out. I trimmed maybe a quarter inch. Her mom calls me today flipping out on me for not consulting her about cutting Aireanna's hair. I was shock by her hostility. I have cut her hair two other times and she has never said anything to me before, in addition I have custody of her, I don't need to tell her anything I choose to do with her child, she lost that right when she was placed in my home. In addition too, she would not have near the relationship she has with her, if it wasn't for me agreeing to take her into my home. I was trying to explain to her that I don't always call her about these things because she doesn't answer her phone when she called me a f-ing Bitch and hung up on me. This is the person I have stuck up for constantly and helped constantly so she could get one of her two children back. I have gone to every court hearing to support her and turned my life upside down for the last seven months just to help her and her children. I am done, no more will I continue to do these things for people that don't even appreciate them. I am so tired of people using me and taking me for granted, I have no more to give. Its time for some people to grow up and take care themselves instead of having everyone do everything for them. It blows my mind when I think about everything I have done for people and then try to think about what have they done for me. Mostly nothing, a few loads of dishes and laundry after I had surgery. WOW!! That's the thanks I get. No more, I am done. I will no longer help people that are completely capable of helping themselves, yet choose not to and are to selfish to appreciate what everybody does for them. Plus I will not be talked to that way by anyone period. God I love my life can it please get better!!!