Got to love the life you live!!

Christmas really was good. I went to my brothers on Christmas eve and had an amazing dinner with my side of the family. The kids played, loved their gifts and the photo albums I made my family members seemed to be loved by all. Then came Christmas day. What a joke. The morning was perfect. I watched my two beautiful girls overjoyed by what Santa had got them. They were wonderful. The sucky part was when we went over to my in-laws house. I wasn't overly excited about the visit to begin with, but put on my supportive happy face, and went anyways. We dived into presents pretty quickly because Jocelyn was un-relenting. This is where I get a little upset. Meagan had four presents, whereas, Aireonna had at least fifty. I don't care that she had so many gifts. What I care about is that they should have waited until we left to bring them all out. I felt so bad for my daughter watching Airie open so much and she had so little. I don't care about gifts, but that was just plain cruel. They kept saying that the gifts came from an organization. I don't care. You don't hand out fifty gifts to one and none to another, you wait and then give those gifts. Such BS.

Prior to Christmas we got the news  that our grandfather wasn't going to make it much longer and we needed to say our goodbyes. I was lucky enough to spend some time with him telling him that I loved him and it was ok for him to go. That we would be ok and he could be in peace. It's a really weird feeling, telling someone its ok for them to die. Grandpa made it through Christmas and then passed on December 27, 2011 at the age of 96. He passed one week after his 96th birthday. I did the flowers for his funeral and I couldn't be more proud of my creations. They were amazing. Grandpa had a send off that he would have been so proud of. I had a sadness though  that is un-relenting. I find myself needing to make sure my own father gets the service he deserves. Is it wrong to feel jealous that I have not gotten the closure that I need and my family did? It sucks.

That is the story of my life!!!

Life is full of disappointments, its what you do with them that shape you as the person you are. Is this saying true or philosophical BS. I don't really know, I just do what I feel is right and try to not let people down. But is that enough? Am I doing enough?

Time will tell!!!!

Can my life be more difficult!!!

Last week I had surgery again! This is the third time this year and it really sucks. I am doing good this time. Thank GOD!!!!! The last surgery I got really sick, but I didn't get sick this time. I am just in a lot of pain. Christmas is next week and I don't really have any money to buy my husband anything really decent. I got him a couple of things, but I never feel like its enough. He does so much for me. Every day he gets up early and gets Meagan ready for school before he goes to work. He picks up our foster niece Airie from daycare and he works 7-days a week just for us to barely make ends meet. All for me to get well and go to college. He said something to me last week that really stung. He said I am always putting him down and calling him names like stupid or talking bad about him to people. I was really taken back by it, because when I say things like "your stupid" I am always joking and don't really mean anything buy it. But you can never really tell if what you say to someone they are going to take it the way you mean it. I will have to make sure I am more careful how I say things  and in what context I use them in, I never want him to feel that way. But then I also find myself going back to past times that he has said way worse to me, yet I have let that go and it was ten time worse than anything I could have ever said to him. Like my birthday this year. What I have learned is that it never matters what has happened to you, it what you do to others. VERY TRUE!! One thing is for sure, Adam: my best friend, husband, father of our child, lover, confidant, number one supporter, money maker, fixer of all things broken, my piece of mind in the crazy life we live, and most of all THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, deserves to be made to feel important and all those thing I have listed before and I must remind myself everyday this so that he never feels that way because my life would be nothing without him in it. Period.

Hi Everyone again!!!

It has been a while again but life has been really busy. Yesterday, Meagan my little angel turned 13 years old. It is shocking how fast time flies. She is getting so big and so grown. It was really cute, my mom called and I missed her call but she left a message singing Happy Birthday to her. Meagan loved it, she made me play it ten times at least through my car stereo. It was really funny, she sang right along with it and so did Airie. They are so cute together. Lately Meagan has been a little possessive toward me with Airie. But whenever Airie is not home she asks for her BABY all the time. She call Airie BABY. It so darn cute. They love each other so much. It was a really nice day for Meagan. I took cupcakes to school and the school choir sang her happy birthday, she felt so special it was really neat. Then when my husband came home we went to an early dinner at Olive Garden alone just the three of us as a family. The only thing that was missing is that her other grandma and grandpa did not call her on her birthday. First my birthday and now Meagan's, its really sad. They totally forgot Meagan. I can't believe it. Even my friends called Meagan, but our own family didn't even bother to make her feel special like everyone else did. What is even more sad it that Meagan really adore them. She will forget and move on because I will do everything possible to make up for her not having her grandparents. She will never feel that loss again, it really sucked because she asked about them all day long and I had to lie to her and tell her that they would call her or come by and not to worry. But it never came. I told her another lie that nana and papa were really busy with her cousin and couldn't call, they really wanted to but they couldn't. Its so sad, thirteen birthdays and this was a really important birthday, she is officially a teenager!!!! As for me life is the same. I am always the bad guy when it comes to Airie and court delayed for three more months. I have come to terms with her going home and I am fine with that all I want is her to be safe. She is not safe and making constant allegations against her sister of molestation. When Airie is interviewed she doesn't talk and then tells me that her mommy told her she couldn't. It makes me sick to think that a mother could buy off her daughter to protect her other daughter one that needs real help. Its really sad and it has torn apart our family. It will never be the same. When this is over, I am done. I will probably never have a relationship with these people again. We will survive, we always do!

God HELP ME!!!!!!

Why does everything in my life have to be so hard? Haven't we been through enough???

I ask myself these questions everyday, and never have the answers. Since my surgeries I have had a serious reality check. Mortality is a B****.  Family is supposed to be the ones you can count on in life, but since I got custody of my niece, my husbands family(not all of his family his aunts have been amazing and we love them so much) have started treating me like I mean nothing and we aren't sacrificing anything. Life for us is very difficult and having another mouth to feed, clothe, and provide for is not easy. Most people would not do this and they take us for granted. His sister called me really horrible names over the phone when he confronted them and then acts like it never happened. Unfortunately, I am not made that way, I remember every little thing that I have ever been hurt by and it never goes away. I already have let go of the fact she stole my debit card and ripped us off two weeks before christmas. She never paid us back and acts like it never happened. She doesn't even give us money to help raise her child. I have had her daughter for a year now and in that year she has bought: groceries once, bought her daughter some toys, a bike she doesn't even want to ride, and a couple of outfits. Oh and a portable DVD player and a couple of movies. There is more to providing for a child than buying her with a couple of items. There is food, power bills, medical, well most know what goes into raising children. Those that don't have their parents pay for everything and take no responsibility for their own lives at age 36. If the roles were reversed and a family member took in my child when she was with strangers in a foster home at three years old, I would be thankful and not hateful. But that is ok, I am not doing this for her, I am doing it for her daughter. She deserves to have a normal life.She deserves a structured life that has no stress or an abusive sister. She is very loved by everyone and one of the sweetest little girls I have ever loved (besides my Meagan of course!) and as time goes on I cannot think of my life not including her. For the first time in her sweat little life she has friends, new cousins, and she is no longer shy, she is confident. The thought of her be lost in the chaos that she was in makes me sick, she has come so far and made so much progress, since living with us. Its amazing!

We have court again at the end of November, so we will know more about little ones future. I know if and when she goes home, they will limit when she gets to see us. That will break my heart and daughters heart. Meagan loves her so much its adorable. Every night before bed the kiss each other good night and tell each other they love one another its cute. My daughter still has to work on her stinginess but she is an only child, that is normal. She is getting better about it. There are a few special items that only she can play with that she picked out and that has helped. But she is still a little brat when she wants to be!

I miss my dad. Today, I saw a Harley Davidson pocket watch. My dad would have loved it. Little things like this keep throwing me for a loop. I was watching the Kardashian wedding last night and Kim loses it when going through her dads belongings and I lost it again. I just never know when it's going to hit me. I think I am doing so good and then bam, crying like it was yesterday he died. Its been a year on 9/5/11, but for me it feels like yesterday, I have only known since 3/1/11.

Thank you everyone, who has supported me and my family. You have no idea how much you mean to me to receive you amazing comments!!

My baby starts her first day of middle school

Yesterday my daughter started her first day of middle school and I could not have been more proud. I had to go and teach the teachers on how to take care of her and ended up staying for over three hours. It broke my heart to peek in on her in class and see her looking so scared, that's what made me stay so long and help her. I should stay away and let her come into her own but I cant help myself. One cool thing is she has a friend in her class she went to school with for about four years, that was a relief to me. But all in all she did really well. She did not want to go back today but she is always like that. I will go to her school again today and check on her again to make sure she is doing ok and see if they have more questions. I hope the other kids are nice to her she is really sweet.

Sorry i haven't posted in a long time, here is the latest!!!!

Yesturday was court day and I had my husband come so he could see how his family is treating me. For some reason lately they have decided I am the devil and I am trying to take away is sister's child. When the reality is that I have a really good thing by taking in her child, when I did not have to. I did it because that is what family is supposed to do. They don't even look at the sacrifices we have made and the money it cost us to raise her. It means nothing to them.

When we walked into the court area, Adam's sister said to him, "What are you doing here?" Not hi how are you or how is my daughter. Also she said it all snotty like he had no right to be there, when his life has been turned upside down just as much as anyone. He has to work seven days a week to provide for another person and she treats him that way. I find it appalling. The funny part is he responded with, "Why are you here?" I laughed in my head. He is so funny!! But best of all he got to see what I have been telling him for months. They are treating me like I am the enemy.

So nothing was accomplished in court but a put off for three months, at least we get three more months with Aireonna and his sister has three months to show her true colors. Now that they have loosened the rains on her, she will, its only a matter of time. Come the next court date it will be over a year we have had custody of Aireonna and twenty-one months since she was removed from her mothers care and that give the state legal right to terminate her parental rights. I wish the best for Airie and only want her safe and happy. No matter where that might put her, she deserves a chance at a life of happiness and not total chaos. She actually thinks its completely normal the life she was living, even though she doesn't have that chaos with us.

After every visitation, she is being programmed not to tell me and Adam anything. She actually tells me that she it told that. How sad. Poor little girl, she just wants to be happy and she is being put in so much stress it breaks my heart. Why would you put your four-year old in that situation? What kind of parent does that to their child. I have started looking for a therapist to help her through this hard time, she is so stressed and wants to please everyone. It really sucks to see her go through this torment every week. After the visits she tells me how horrible her sister treats her and that she only goes there to see her Nana, but she loves her mommy too. She is really being hurt by their behavior and they don't even see it. After she is brought home she won't leave my side, I can't even go to the bathroom without her following me. She is always crawling in my arms and holding me and kissing me. She always tells me how much she loves me and that she never wants to leave here. But there is nothing I can do besides reassure her that she is safe and its going to be ok, when the reality is that its not going to be ok. Its a lose, lose situation. If she goes home, she doesn't have a chance in hell of getting the attention she needs and will get left behind again. If I get custody of her she will be hurt that she can't ever go home to her mommy.

Adam and I have talked about this a lot and we are in it for the long haul we are going to do what ever it takes to make sure she is safe and happy, no m after what. But when this is over, I don't know how things will ever be the same. I am done with the whole situation. If it wasn't for the love we have for that sweet little girl, we would have told them to take her to a foster home so we don't get even more hurt than we already are, but it is too late for that, we love her too much to put her in that situation. We just hope everything works out the way it should and we can have some sort of normalcy in our lives.

As for some good news!! I got invited to join the Pierce Count Board of Developmental Disabilities and am super excited. I will finally going to be able to help others like myself that have a family member that is disabled. I can't wait to get started, this is something I have dreamed about since I got over the initial shock of of having a child with special needs. Wow, this could be life changing for my family. My only fear is that I have no official training, except life experience. I am a fast learner and will learn so much from this, I can't wait!!!

So for those of you that read my blog, wish me luck on my new adventure and with Airie. I just want to do the right thing and keep her safe. I also want to learn about way to help others and be successful at it, it could be the path my future takes me next. I also have my trial at the end of October against the state and my on the job injury that I need to win. Send me all your good thoughts and luck, I need it!!

My angel had her fifth grade graduation!!! She is so proud as was I and her daddy!!

On June 15, 2011 Meagan graduated from the fifth grade and got an award. She is one of two children in special ed that improved enough to leave special and move to an adjustment classroom. I have never felt more proud in my life watching her cruise her wheelchair up to the front of her school in front of everyone, with her amazing smile and pride written all over her face. After the awards the entire fifth grade class sang Carrie Underwoods song, "When Ever You Remember"and I cried watching her do her best to sing the song she loves so much and knows every word of. Its so scary thinking she is going to middle school and starting all over with new teachers and caregivers I know nothing about. But she is so brave, it gives me strength. Since my last post she has gone through another botox injection. I thought I was going to have to go there alone, but was so thankful my sister was able to go with me. Then the next day I had shoulder surgery and got very sick, they said it was a bacterial infection aka mersa virus. I spent the next seven days on IV antibiotics and then had a serious reaction to the meds and have been dealing with that. I try not to complain about life there are so many people in this world that have it way worse than I do, but things have been very tough lately. I still have my niece, which I am so thankful for, she is so special and sweet. I am going to ad her photos they are so cute!