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Monday, March 21, 2011

Now the doctor's want to start all over again with new genetic testing. Ahhh!

It has been several years since any testing has been done on Meagan and now the doctor's want to start all over and re-due every test they have already done. But they also want to do muscle biopsy, which I am terrified about because they take a piece of muscle and test it. I don't want to put her through that pain, its very scary. I almost don't want to know. We are happy right now and I don't want to do anything that will change it. However, if she does have something that is life threatening but manageable I want to do everything I can to give her long and happy life. Decisions, decision, why can't life be easy? I am also scared to know the truth, what if she does have a genetic disease? That means we definitely won't be having anymore children. That makes me really sad. I always pictured us have two children hopefully a girl and boy. But that is not the cards that we were dealt and I will have to be a big girl and do the right thing. They are going to start out with the blood tests again and more MRI's. I know its going to be fine but there is nothing worse then not knowing and waiting for all the test to come back negative. I am only going to work with that thought process because anything less would be a dent in my armor. I love my daughter more than my own life and would give it without a single thought if she could have a normal life. Why did this have to happen to her. I remember when she was a baby and I used to tell everyone they better keep on Meagan's good side because she is going to be the first female president. I'm sure every parent feels this way about their children. Our children are our legacy. One thing I have learned in the last six months is that I am even stronger than I thought and my future is going to be limitless. I know this and I will work my ass off to get it! But still in the back of my mind I am terrified to get bad news. I don't know how I will deal with that. I can't even imagine a world that does not include my baby.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

How do you cope with death when there is no closure.

It has been ten days since I found out my father died. I am lucky I have a very strong family there for me. I am recovering from spinal surgery and every time I cry it hurts so bad, I cry even more. All I can think about is my dad. I dream about him every night. I woke myself up because I was talking and crying in my sleep. I am miserable because of the pain from my surgery and the pain of my loss. My dad used to call me his short cake and when I was little he would take me to work with him. He drove metro transit and I used to love going to work with him. Riding all over Seattle, boring at times but it was fun to be with him. I missed him alot after my parent divorce, so every visit was precious to me. He used to stop the bus a take me to lunch at this little sub shop even though he had passengers. It was hilarious the passengers would get so pissed off but he would just laugh and take me to lunch. I loved this time with him, being the youngest of three, I never got as much one on one time with my parents. I remember when my grandpa was still alive and my dad was living with them in the third bedroom he would let me sleep with him. I felt so safe rapt up in his arms. My dad was a big guy and gave the best hugs. He would wrap his arms around me and say "MY BABY! MY BABY!" I always felt so special when he did this. I have been trying so hard to spend my time either being completely busy so I don't think about him being gone or I spend the rest of the time trying hard to only remember the good times. The hard part is there is alot of bad times and they cloud my brain. I know its not healthy to focus on them but sometimes I can't help it. I am so pissed at him for dieing and not letting me say good bye or save him. I could have given him part of my liver and he could possible still be alive and that is what I am having a hard time living with. If I had made more of an effort I could have saved his life. But I got busy raising my family and being stubborn and now my dad is dead and I can't do anything to change that. I don't even have any pictures of us together except from my wedding.

It  has really hit me harder than I thought it would. I know with time the pain will fade, but I don't want it to because then I will really forget him and that may be actually worse. I hope he is happy where ever he is and I truely hope I will see him again. But for now I am going to keep on raising my family and honor his name my  being the best mother, wife, sister, best friend I can. I am going to college in two weeks, which is really exciting. I know he would have been proud of me for this. Starting over with my life is really scary but I have a really good feeling that I am making the right decision and it will be very rewarding to go to college when I was never able to before. I am starting all over again, the beauty is that I have plenty of time because I am still young.

My daughter doesn't really understand that her grandpa or papa as she called him is dead, she is not really able to understand. But when I told her that he is in heaven with her dog chewy that died she said, "Awe cute!" For the first time in a week I laughed which hurt like hell. She is what make my world go round and round. She is why I get out of bed each day. She is so damn special, you would have to know her to really grasp what I am saying. I am blessed that I have such a special little girl and husband. Thank you everyone for your kind words it has really helped me during this very hard time.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

How do you say good bye when you did not know your dad was dead?

I just found out yesterday that my dad died. His name was Kenneth Edward Towns 7/18/1949-9/5/10. We had been estranged for the last couple of years. But there was not a day that went by that my heart did not ache for him. I should have swallowed my pride and went over and made amends when I had the chance and now I never will. I loved him so much it feels like there is a whole in my heart. I just got out of surgery and when I was waking from anesthesia I was crying. i did not even realize it but I was crying. My doctor sat at the head of my recovery bed and told me I would be OK. But I don't really know that it is true. How will I be able to forgive myself for not making an effort when my dad was so sick and dying for two year. Granted I did not know he was sick, but I can only live in the what if's right now. I know I am a strong women but I have never felt more alone in my life, even though I have all of my family by my side I still feel so alone. I really hope the saying is true that our loved ones are looking down upon us and watching us and loving us, because I would have wanted nothing more then to tell my daddy, I was sorry and that I loved him and missed him so much. I hope he knows how much me and my siblings loved him and feel the loss of him so deeply, more deeply then any of us thought we would. You never know how much you love someone until they have been taken away from you and you don't get that closure you need. To my family and followers grab on to those around you and never let them go, don't forget to tell them you love them no matter what is going on in your lives. I will never get that chance and that is something I will carry with me always. Daddy I miss you so much it hurts more than the surgery I just went through. Love you always and I will try my best to focus on what the positives were and not the negatives. I am thankful you had your wife to be there for your in the end, I will always be sorry that I was not there. I love you always.