The last two days I find myself, missing my dad, terribly. I have been dreaming about him again and it shocks me every time, because it feels so real. I have been blessed to make amends with some people that were very important to me for over ten years and it has really helped me alot. But, today I awoke to a call from a friend from school. Two weeks ago he lost his daughter in Africa and today he lost his mother. I feel his pain because of my own loss. I know nothing about the loss of a child but the loss of a parent I am living. I feel so deeply for his pain and unrelenting sadness that has affected him lately. I find myself praying constantly and I am not a religious person. I am terrified I will lose my mother, I don't know what I would do if I lost her. When ever I am alone, I find myself crying alot. I want this grieving to stop but it plagues me constantly. I know my dad did alot of bad things, but I still love him and miss him none the less. I wish I could have seen him and said good bye, maybe I would not be feeling this way. I hope he knows that beyond all the drama and fighting, we all loved him. We fought because my mom and dad's raised us to be fighters and stand up for ourselves, but most of all we were raised to love each other and never forget that family is what matters the most. Friends will come and go but family you are tied to forever and that never changes. They will be there for you when no one else is and they are who is important.
I guess the point is that "I forgive you dad." "I forgive you for hurting my mom, for abandoning us whenever you had a new girlfriend, I forgive you for hurting Mary, I forgive you for hurting me and my sibling by not telling us you were sick and not letting us save your life. I forgive you for not playing a role in my daughters life, I forgive you for not saying goodbye to me. I forgive you for not playing much of a role in my life when I was growing up, I forgive you for always calling me three day after my birthday when it was actually your dogs birthday. I forgive you for the letter that destroyed our family. I will always love you and remember you every time I look in the mirror. I will raise my daughter better than the example you showed me. I will keep your memory alive in how I live my life. I will show my family that they mean everything to me and no matter what disagreement we have, I will never let it stop us from being a family. Right now I am broken, but I know it will heal, but I will never forget. I will carry you in my heart for as long as I live."
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
My husband let me sleep in, which a gift i don't often get. He got up with the girls and made them breakfast, while I slept. I finally got out of bed around ten am knowing that I had to get Aireanna ready for her visitation with her mother. She playfully ran around the house telling me how much she loved me and how excited she was to get to go see her mommy. The night before I took her shopping and let her pick out something to give her mommy for mothers day. Something that would be from her only. She helped me prepare it in the gift bag she picked out herself and she colored the card she picked out herself. Aireanna was so proud of herself, it was really cute. I dressed her in a new outfit I bought for her then did her hair, then got ready myself. We waited for our caregiver to get here because Meagan did not want to go to grandma house. We took Aireanna to her mom's and watched her older sister have a meltdown, which is a constant occurrence in that home. They reluctantly we left, hoping she would be ok. My husband took me to a wonderful dinner at the KEG and to a movie. We even went to the bookstore and got a case for my nook, which was what I wanted for mothers day. When we got home with Aireanna, she had her bath, then Meagan had her bath, then it was bed for the both of them. All in all it was a good day spent alone with my man. We don't get that very often, so it was really nice to be together. I love my husband!!!!