I just finished my first semester in college and I got 104%, 101% and 94%!!!!! Super proud of myself. Tomorrow is court day, I always get scared because it could be my last day with my niece that I have had custody of for almost nine months now. Also on Wednesday Meagan is getting more Botox injections and then on Thursday I am having shoulder surgery. Is my life crazy busy or what? If I lose Aireonna tomorrow, I am going to be devastated, but I have learned a very valuable lesson in taking her into my home and heart. I am even stronger than I thought I was and I now know more than ever before that Adam and I need to have another child. The only thing that is stopping me right now is my injuries. I know I cannot carry a child with a herniated low back disc. So I am going to get all healed up and I am going to have a baby next year or so, no rush! But I also don't want to wait forever, Meagan is 12 and I don't want my kids to be that much further apart in age. I have started making a scrap book of our time with little Aireonna, so that when she does go home and Meagan misses her I can pull out the book and she can look at it and hopefully it will make her not miss her so much. For me, I think I am going to get counselling. I have had so many losses in my short life that I have to find another way to put them away in a health manner. It hard enough having a child with special needs, but I have never really dealt with the pain of it, there is never any time to deal with my feelings. I have too many others that have to come first. I know that is not the healthiest thing in the world but such is life, no matter how bad I feel or sad I feel they need me and they come first. I can have my pity parties when I am alone.
College has been really interesting, I am glad I waited until now to go because if I had went when I was younger I don't think I would have done as good or taken it as seriously. All of my instructors gave me incredible compliments and that felt really good. I have a hard summer quarter coming up. It will definitely be a test of what I can do, but I am super excited about it. I am in a really good place right now. I still have some hard days but things are getting better: I paid off my van and caught up my house so we wont be losing either which is a huge relief. Now we just got to get some of our other debts settled and we will be in the best position we have been in, in about five years. Its progress!
Monday, June 6, 2011
I know I have written about my family and all that has been going on with fighting the state. I have temporary custody of my niece and she is truly a precious child, but it is getting harder everyday knowing I will have to give her back. Even though I knew that this would happen, it doesn't change the fact that I will be heart broken. I tried not to let myself get so attached, but that is impossible when you have this sweat little girl in your home everyday, you cuddle every morning and every night. She tells me she loves me so much and she misses me when she is gone. It's really hard, raising a child that is not your own and that has to go back to its own home. Its also very confusing for her. She has been with me over seven months now and she is comfortable here, but also she yearns for her mommy. I have done the best I know how to make her feel at home and secure, but I am not her mommy. She is extremely jealous that her sister gets to be home and she doesn't and that is hard to explain to a four year old, why she can't be home when her sister is. She is so sweat to my daughter and waits on her every whim. Whenever she is at visitation my daughter asks nonstop when her baby is coming back and one of these day I am going to have to tell her that she is not coming back. But at least we are family and will be able to see her, its not like she will disappear out of our lives for good. I have been taking a lot of pictures lately, I thought if I made my daughter her own photo album, she could look at it whenever she misses her baby. Its just really sad. I am so stupid for letting myself get so attached, but this is an impossible situation. My husband and I have been talking about whether we she remove ourselves from this situation, but we can't that would hurt her too much and we can't do that either. What are we going to do?