How do you cope with death when there is no closure.

It has been ten days since I found out my father died. I am lucky I have a very strong family there for me. I am recovering from spinal surgery and every time I cry it hurts so bad, I cry even more. All I can think about is my dad. I dream about him every night. I woke myself up because I was talking and crying in my sleep. I am miserable because of the pain from my surgery and the pain of my loss. My dad used to call me his short cake and when I was little he would take me to work with him. He drove metro transit and I used to love going to work with him. Riding all over Seattle, boring at times but it was fun to be with him. I missed him alot after my parent divorce, so every visit was precious to me. He used to stop the bus a take me to lunch at this little sub shop even though he had passengers. It was hilarious the passengers would get so pissed off but he would just laugh and take me to lunch. I loved this time with him, being the youngest of three, I never got as much one on one time with my parents. I remember when my grandpa was still alive and my dad was living with them in the third bedroom he would let me sleep with him. I felt so safe rapt up in his arms. My dad was a big guy and gave the best hugs. He would wrap his arms around me and say "MY BABY! MY BABY!" I always felt so special when he did this. I have been trying so hard to spend my time either being completely busy so I don't think about him being gone or I spend the rest of the time trying hard to only remember the good times. The hard part is there is alot of bad times and they cloud my brain. I know its not healthy to focus on them but sometimes I can't help it. I am so pissed at him for dieing and not letting me say good bye or save him. I could have given him part of my liver and he could possible still be alive and that is what I am having a hard time living with. If I had made more of an effort I could have saved his life. But I got busy raising my family and being stubborn and now my dad is dead and I can't do anything to change that. I don't even have any pictures of us together except from my wedding.

It  has really hit me harder than I thought it would. I know with time the pain will fade, but I don't want it to because then I will really forget him and that may be actually worse. I hope he is happy where ever he is and I truely hope I will see him again. But for now I am going to keep on raising my family and honor his name my  being the best mother, wife, sister, best friend I can. I am going to college in two weeks, which is really exciting. I know he would have been proud of me for this. Starting over with my life is really scary but I have a really good feeling that I am making the right decision and it will be very rewarding to go to college when I was never able to before. I am starting all over again, the beauty is that I have plenty of time because I am still young.

My daughter doesn't really understand that her grandpa or papa as she called him is dead, she is not really able to understand. But when I told her that he is in heaven with her dog chewy that died she said, "Awe cute!" For the first time in a week I laughed which hurt like hell. She is what make my world go round and round. She is why I get out of bed each day. She is so damn special, you would have to know her to really grasp what I am saying. I am blessed that I have such a special little girl and husband. Thank you everyone for your kind words it has really helped me during this very hard time.