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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Changes, Changes, Changes!!

 I have been reflecting on the last year and realizing how much I have gone through. Last year was one of the hardest years of my life. On January 11, 2010, I was injured at my job. On November 20, 2010, I find out that my employer of eleven years laid me off without even calling me, which was devistating at the time. Then on December 20, 2010, I was rear-ended on the freeway and then on February 14, 2011, I got hit by a car. Knowing I was going to have neck surgery and going to be sedated for the first time, I decided I needed to make peace with my father(we had been astranged for that last few years) and found out on March 1, 2011, that my dad died. I had googled his name hoping to find his phone number and found his obituary instead. March 2, 2011, I had neck surgery. Then on June 23, 2011 I had shoulder surgery. It was rough and I got really sick, but I made it through it. Then on December 7, 2011, I had left arm nerve surgery. Meanwhile, during this entire time, I have been taking care of my child with special needs, have temporary custody of my niece, and going to college full time. When do I have time for myself? Plus, make my husband happy(in every way possible).

To add to all these changes my daughters caregiver of 11-years retired. This has been very hard on me personally. She didn't just take terrific care of Meagan, she was a friend and I came to rely on her for alot more than my child's care. The new caregiver is terrific and my daughter really likes her plus she is fun to be around. So for once something good came out of something bad. We still miss her, but she lives close by and promised to keep in touch.

I got an email yesterday regarding a job. It would be a dream job for me. It's an advocacy position which is what I want to do. I am under-qualified for the position. I do not have the schooling for the position, but I have tons of others experience that I feel will make me the perfect candidate. I am going to at least apply and see what happens. Who knows! I might get the job and a new career that will actually be rewarding. I really hope so. I have lost alot of faith in myself since losing my job of 11-years. I know I did everything possible, but my injuries have really changed my life. I cannot work, the pain is constant and somewhat depressing. That is why I opted for a college education. I figured I could go to school while recovering from my injuries, but it is slow going and rough. I just want to be healthy and able to take care of my family the way I used too.  I do not think this is too much to ask for. I am a good person, a great mother and wife; and I deserve it!

The children keep me really busy and I love every minute of being with them, however, I really feel bad that my husband has to bare the burden of being the one providing for everyone. He is so wonderful; working 7-days a week so I can pursue my dream of getting a college degree. Not that many husbands are as supportive of their wives dreams and I am so thankful.

I started this blog to share my story with others who may or may not be going through what I have gone through. If I could help just one family, reliving all this pain would be worth it. I hope those of you that follow my blog have gotten something from my blog, because I sure have. The support you have given me during this very hard period of time had been overwhelmingly supportive and has truly made a difference in my life.

Those of you that have take the time to post a comment: I treasure them all! Whenever, I feel down or overwhelmed I read your comments and it changes my life. I hope you all know how much you have helped me. Thank you and please continue to post your comments on my blog posts.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Got to love the life you live!!

Christmas really was good. I went to my brothers on Christmas eve and had an amazing dinner with my side of the family. The kids played, loved their gifts and the photo albums I made my family members seemed to be loved by all. Then came Christmas day. What a joke. The morning was perfect. I watched my two beautiful girls overjoyed by what Santa had got them. They were wonderful. The sucky part was when we went over to my in-laws house. I wasn't overly excited about the visit to begin with, but put on my supportive happy face, and went anyways. We dived into presents pretty quickly because Jocelyn was un-relenting. This is where I get a little upset. Meagan had four presents, whereas, Aireonna had at least fifty. I don't care that she had so many gifts. What I care about is that they should have waited until we left to bring them all out. I felt so bad for my daughter watching Airie open so much and she had so little. I don't care about gifts, but that was just plain cruel. They kept saying that the gifts came from an organization. I don't care. You don't hand out fifty gifts to one and none to another, you wait and then give those gifts. Such BS.

Prior to Christmas we got the news  that our grandfather wasn't going to make it much longer and we needed to say our goodbyes. I was lucky enough to spend some time with him telling him that I loved him and it was ok for him to go. That we would be ok and he could be in peace. It's a really weird feeling, telling someone its ok for them to die. Grandpa made it through Christmas and then passed on December 27, 2011 at the age of 96. He passed one week after his 96th birthday. I did the flowers for his funeral and I couldn't be more proud of my creations. They were amazing. Grandpa had a send off that he would have been so proud of. I had a sadness though  that is un-relenting. I find myself needing to make sure my own father gets the service he deserves. Is it wrong to feel jealous that I have not gotten the closure that I need and my family did? It sucks.

That is the story of my life!!!

Life is full of disappointments, its what you do with them that shape you as the person you are. Is this saying true or philosophical BS. I don't really know, I just do what I feel is right and try to not let people down. But is that enough? Am I doing enough?

Time will tell!!!!