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Thursday, August 9, 2012

Meagan is doing much better!

We had another follow up appointment regarding her infection. First blood test was not good it showed increased infection markers. They were concerned that she was becoming immune to the antibiotic, so they ordered an x-ray to see if they could still see the abscess and infection on her left tibia. So after four long weeks of waiting it showed great improvement. Hopefully, she will get off the antibiotics in a couple weeks. Its been a tough couple of months. My poor baby has been taking them since May 7th. So for all of you following me and giving me support through this very difficult time, I am very thankful. But I need you to keep it up!!! We need good results and the next appointment later this month.

After a year of fighting LNI I won and finally got paid, but of course the black cloud of doom that has been surrounding me for two plus years took over. I received a letter in the mail from unemployment say they have decided they overpaid me and want me to payback $7500. So much for getting back on track. Let the good time roll!!

On a good not my beautiful healthy nephew was born and he is amazing. I couldn't be more happier for my brother Grant and sister Julie. Their little son Grant William Towns is so adorable. I will say I am very envious, I cannot wait till, Adam and I have our next child. Next year is our goal. I need to get more financially stable and healthy before that happens. I now know I want to have another child more than ever. I am seriously excited. We are going to wait till the new genetic testing gets done first and than if they are all good we are getting pregnant.

I used to think I would never have anymore children because of Meagan having special needs but, the more I think about it the more I realize, who is going to be there for her if we are not. She needs a brother to look after her. I hope its a boy, when that time comes! All in all life is tough, nothing we can't handle. It never gets easier, but as long as we have each other we can get through anything. I am so lucky I have my hubby. He really is an amazing dad and husband. It shocks me that we have been together 19-years. That is crazy!!!!!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Happy Birthday to my dad

Today July 18th is my dad's birthday. He is gone now, but it still feels so fresh like I just lost him yesterday, even though it has been almost two years since he passed. For me its only been a year and a couple of months. Does it get any easier? Some days I feel normal, but then today comes and I find myself very say. Nothing in my life is going good and I feel so lost and hopeless sometimes. I miss my family so much, I miss Airie more than words can express. I have been trying so hard to keep myself busy to keep busy and not dwell on things I cannot control. I am focused on saving my family and getting Meagan healthy, but can I please get a break from all the loss I have had in the last two years?

What more do I have to endure before life gets easier? I just want to raise my family and be part of the lives of those I love. The rest I wish would go stop. Life really should be easier. My amazing husband and Nick created an amazing water fountain for me, that I love. I probably should have expressed this to them more, but I am so exhausted and overwhelmed I fear I have hurt their feelings. I really love it though. There are so sweet.

Everyday this week they have worked on our property and it is look really good, they are planning on painting our house tomorrow. Wow! I just wish I could feel more happy. Life is full of loss and failures. I feel like I have let my family down. I have no income and we are hurting really bad. I feel like a complete failure to them. I can love them to the end of the earth, but money is what we need to fix our issues.

Hopefully LNI will get of their lazy butts and pay me my time loss before we lose our house. Its only been almost a year since I won my lawsuit.

On a happy note; my brother's son should be born soon and I cannot wait to meet him!!!!!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Meagan got her new power chair!!!!!

I have the best support group that helps me with my daughter. Sharon her physical therapist is the best in the world. I cannot thank her enough. She has been with my daughter since the start of this school year and she has managed to get Meagan: a new manual chair, bath lift, and power chair. I am so happy for my daughter. You should have seen her showing off her mad skills driving around the track at school. She was adorable, I haven't been this happy in a really long time. At least for that brief moment. She put her chair in the fastest mode and cruised around the track passing everyone, it was awesome. She was cruising and squealing the whole way around the track. I have never seen something so precious in my life. I never new love could be so heavy.

Meagan's infection has not changed much, but it has not gotten worse. She is starting to get her appetite back and the swelling is almost gone, but she has been getting sick when she takes her mid-day dose of meds. We have been trying feeding her and spacing it out a little bit more, so hopefully my poor couch doesn't come victim to more up-chuck.

Meagan has found You-Tube and is really addicted to Annoying orange. Its really funny and she has to watch it constantly. I love to see her happy, so as long as he doesn't keep getting his head cut off and making her cry, I am cool with it. I wish they had parental features for You-tube.  She manages to find all sorts of videos. One night I look over at her and she has silent tears running down her cute lil-cheeks and so I look at what she is watching. It turns out she found a story about these conjoined twins, and they die. She totally understood what it was that was happening and was crying. It was really sad. But now she has to watch it all the time. I have tried deleting the video and she still can find it. She is too smart for her own good.

My husband and I have finally agreed that we are going to have another child, even if we have another child that is special needs. I have a hole in my heart and it needs to be filled. Strange. I never thought I would say those words after having Meagan, but I want her to have a sibling and it better be a boy. I know we will get what we get, but I want a boy. I have a few hurdles before I can get pregnant, but by next year we plan to start trying to get pregnant, SCARY.

To add to my extra lovely month, my unemployment ran out and that really sucks. I was told I had until December 31, 2012 before it ran out, but no it done. So now I have to put my schooling on hold and get a job. Maybe I can do both, I really hope so. I want to get my degree and provide a better life for myself and my family. We shall see.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I life always difficult or is it just mine

It has been a very trying week. It started off with me in the ER, with my back out again. Then, once I got home and was resting, I get a call that during visitation Airie was in a car accident with her mom and grandma. I rushed to get her, thank god she is ok. Then, the next day Meagan complained that her left foot hurt. I thought that maybe someone took off her AFO's and did not put them back on correctly and just kept my eye on it. The next day she was crying that it hurt really bad, it wasn't swollen or bruised, so I sent her to school. When she got off the bus, I noticed it immediately, her leg was swollen. I called her doctor and he wanted us to come in immediately. She was seen and sent to the ER immediately to rule out a blood clot or injury. We were there for several hours and had a tentative diagnosis of cellulitus and bacterial skin infection. The next day her leg was twice the size as before, so I called her doctor and took her in. He was not convinced of the diagnosis and wanted a blood panel, so back to the hospital we went. She was on a broad spectrum anit-biotic so they were sure that would help. The following morning her leg was even larger, hot to the touch, and she had a temperature with the already present rash. The doctor wanted us to come in ASAP. Once we got there he checked her out and said he wanted her admitted into the hospital, he wanted her monitored closely. So off to the hospital we went. They immediately put her on a strong IV anti-biotic and there we stayed until Monday when they could do more tests. Happy Mother's Day to me!

Thank god to my husband, he took care of Airie so I could be with Meagan. Everyday they came to the hospital and played with Meagan, who you would never know she was sick by how happy and sweat she was. It always amazes me, at home she was non-communicative, lethargic, and crying but as soon as we get to the hospital she is happy and delightful. She amazes me, I am so grateful for my angel. Monday they did an MRI. They found out that not only did she have cellulitus; she had a sever bone infection of her left tibia and an abscess at her ankle. They said if the abscess doesn't go away they might need to do surgery to remove it. Crazy. If I had not been paying such close attention to my child she could have died from both of these infections. The good part is that the anti-biotic's they started her on once we were in the hospital are the same one that treats both infections, she will have to be on them for the next 4-6 weeks. Sucks;but, at least she will get better and hopefully not have to have surgery. Tuesday, we got to go home. There's no place like home, there's no place like home. I couldn't be happier, until I got a phone call from my husbands mother saying they had court that morning and got custody back of Airie. The CPS worker took her from daycare and did not even let me say goodbye. It was also really nice of my husbands family to say in court that I could not take care of Airie because my daughter was in the hospital. Shitty Ass people. For the last 21-months I have cared for her without incident and they have done nothing to help me at all, even when I had three surgeries in the last year and they do not even let me say goodbye to her.

They are monsters. I will never again allow myself to be hurt by them. I am done. My husbands sister gets her daughter back so she can show her how to be a drug using, thieving, promiscuous, leaching, peace of crap. She can't even take care of herself let alone two kids. Poor Airie, she is going to be stuck with her lazy mother and child molesting sister, she won't have a chance. My only hope it that the time she has spent with me will count and that she will not turn out like them. Hopefully, she learns what normal can be, and strives to be that way, because if she doesn't there will be three of them in this world and that is a sad, sad thought.

I cannot beleive that the CPS worker was that much of a chicken shit. She took Airie from daycare and did not even call me to tell me that they were returning her home. I had my husband take her things over to his moms house I couldn't bare to see them, it just hurts too damn much. So, it has been one hell of a week. Tomorrow is my birthday and I want nothing more than to spend the day in the past. If I could wish for anything in the world I would wish for some peace in my life, that and that my daughter could have a normal life.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Does CPS really protect children, or destroy them?

For the last two years of my life I have done everything I can to make sure my little niece is safe. I have helped her mother so much that it put my own family to the way side and for what? To sit in a meeting with her and have her tell me she know I am filling her child's head with stories of molestation. WOW! Really? What kind of messed up person can say that to a family member who has help them as much as I have her. Even though she is the one that has hurt my family time and time again. First when she stole the money from my bedroom. Then when she committed a federal crime when opening my mail, stealing my debit card and then draining my bank account. Not to mention all my credit cards, which she used and tried to do cash advances on them, but that is where she made the mistake I had fraud protection on those card. They notified me when that type of activity was tried on the cards. All to feed her drug habit. But still being the doormat that I am I forgave her, NEVER will I forget. Actually I can't really say I forgive her because I really don't. She does nothing to make her life better. If she had perhaps maybe things would be different. Maybe I wouldn't want her to go to jail for her crimes. I am so glad I kept the evidence on DVD from the convenience store where she robbed my account. I struggle with this, should I turn her in? Should I just move on? Will it help anything by turning her in? NO she just get bailed out like always. So I keep it in and try to move on knowing very well that, she can never have a place in my life and those that support her hurting my family will not either. Not that they really do anyways. Its a conundrum.

My niece came home from her overnights with her mom and said that her sister once again touched her crotch and described masturbation to me. This is about the sixth plus time she has said this and CPS has done nothing to protect her. She finally gets brave enough to share her pain with others and I get told she seems coached. These people are crazy, how many Powell families will there have to be before this broken system is fixed. The social workers have too many cases to keep an eye on them efficiently, nor do they actually care what really happens to these children. I have done everything I can do to help keep my niece healthy, happy and safe for nearly nineteen months without incident, but they are trying to make me out to be the bad guy. When the reality is that its the opposite.

Enough is enough! My husband and I have a really hard decision to make tonight. We may have to remove ourselves from the equation and that sucks. We will have to, and its sad that it has come to this. But what other choice to we have.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Sad Times at the Pritchard House

These last few days have been a test at my strength; as a person and as a mother. I never new pain could run so deep. I know my time is limited with Airie and so does she. She is my little shadow. Every morning she begs me to stay home and snuggle with me. But I really want to keep her routine the same, that is paramount in any child's development. Tuesday nights are the hardest. She comes home after being away for four days and she is emotional. I have been letting her stay up a little longer than I normally would so that I can spend one on one time with her. Sometimes she is happy and sometimes she is devastated. I let her feel however she needs to feel and I tell her over and over that she is the most loved little girl in the world and that no matter what happens I want her to be happy and not sad. This week I held her constantly, she cries and doesn't know what to do with herself. It tears me up inside. I don't show any emotion, that is not for her to see, but when I am alone, I have to let it out.

Last night was good, she finally was happy again, once I had forty new hair styles and held her constantly. She is so worried about losing me it concerns me. The worst part, its only going to be worse before its better. As they increase visits with her mom she is going to be increasingly upset, she has already shown these signs. I know I am doing the best I can, for her, but I am so worried about her.

My daughter is really attached to Airie, and when she is gone, she asks about her alot. They have been good for each other. Its really funny Meagan has to talk over the tops of the little motor mouth to be heard and she has finally found her voice. I am a proud momma! I know that when my husband and I have our next child she will be the best big sister. Meagan is so wonderful!!!

I guess we will see how the future turns out. I hope someone will intervene and change the future, but I couldn't be so lucky!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

My nightmare is coming true!

Last week CPS had a meeting to decide if Airie will be returned to her mom and they decided they were going to return her. Which, was what I was afraid of. I always knew it was a possibility, but hoped they would open their eyes and realize they would be destroying her life. But, none of that matters, they are going to do it anyways.

They decided they would slowly increase visitation and overnight stays and then permanently place her back with her mom. I think this is almost worse than, just taking her away immediately. Now its a long drawn out process, that is putting the poor child through hell. I feel so bad for her, she is so torn. She said she loves her mommy and wants to go home, but is happy and safe here. She said she doesn't have nightmares when she is here and that at Nana's house she get really scared at night. How sad, she is only four years old, she shouldn't be having nightmares. I wish there was something I could do to help her.

She also is torn, because she is happy here. She is so torn, she loves her family here and there, it's terrible. I wish our fate was different. There is so much I would have done to help her cope. I planned on getting her into therapy, but CPS stopped me, saying it was denied. The councilors she met with, said she needed more than the ten sessions they could do for free. They felt she needed long term help, so this doesn't haunt her future. What makes it worse is that once she is home, she will get lost in the chaos of her sister and lose all the growth she has made. I was talking with her daycare workers and they made a comment that, when she first started there she was so behind. She could not speak full sentences, she did not know her colors or shapes and now I have gotten her to the point she can read some small books and even spell her name. They said she is very bright and right there with the school age kids. That makes me so proud. What a huge improvement. I am so proud of her.

What's going to happen is she is going to fall back into the old ways and lose everything we have worked so hard to teach her.


How can we be the only ones who see how bad it will be for her? I really hope the people I have called will step up and help me!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Two more days and the fate of my niece will be revealed.

On Thursday, there is going to be a meeting to determine if Airie will be returned home. Its a mixed bag of emotions. I know without a doubt she should not go home, but I am also aware she loves her mommy. I know when she is there she is somewhat happy, but when she is here, she is safe and happy. I don't believe she is ever safe at her moms, her sister is too un-stable. Its scares me to think that this little angel could get hurt and lost in the chaos of her sister. But I have no say in what happens. One thing I know without a doubt, is that everything I have done for Airie the last 18-months means nothing to her mother or to the in-laws. What my husband and I have sacrificed to care for Airie means nothings. I find myself having a hard time of not telling CPS everything, the actual truth. I know they don't give a crap about me or what this has done to me, so why not. Maybe they should know everything? Its really hard to stand by and let someone you love be in harms way. I pray that if there is a god, that she is protected and doesn't experience too much loss when she is taken from me.

For the last three days she has been with her mom. They just decided not to return her. I am done fighting for them to make the right choices. What hurts me the most is why couldn't they just give me this time with her. If she is leaving on Thursday's, why couldn't they just be decent and let me have what few day I have left with her.

When this is over, things will never be the same, I will make sure of it. As far as I am concerned, they will never have a relationship with my child again. I am done. This last disrespect is the last one. I cannot do this anymore. When you add up everything that has been said and done the last few years it is just too much for me to stop looking at it and continue forgiving everyone. I cannot do it anymore.

I feel broken and betrayed beyond repair. I am a strong woman and will be just fine, but I will never forget the hurt and pain that has been dealt to me and I will never allow it to happen again. Period.

I may not have a real say in Airies life, but as far as my daughter, I do and I will not allow anyone to be near her and hurt her anymore. Everyone has been hurt in my home, my daughter included. She doesn't understand why her baby is gone. She misses her so much. Thank god I have other family that actually cares about me and will help fill that void.

Thank you everyone that has supported me over the last year. Especially those who have given my unconditional love and have stood by my side during this very difficult time. Adam as always your are my rock, never forget that you keep me grounded and are the love of my life (besides Meagan of course). I love you all so much!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Wow! It has been one tough week!!!

So for two weeks Airie has had overnight visits and has come home and had a really tough time. She keeps telling me that her sister has been yelling at her, hitting her, and coming in her room all night not letting her sleep. Its seem true because she is no exhausted she has black lines under her eyes. CPS, does not care about this case at all. They will not even take any reports of abuse I report or Airies Doctor reports. This Tuesday when she came home, it took me almost two hours to calm her down after the visit. They keep telling her she will be coming home in a week, but what they do not realize is that she is not wanting to come home. She wants to be here where she feels safe(her words not mine). She cried so hard, it broke my heart. Then when my mother-in-law came to pick her up, she was over an hour early and I had not had the usual amount of time I need to prepare her for the overnight and she cried her head off when she was leaving me. I wish they would realize what they are doing to her. What do I have to do to get it through them, that they are hurting her. It may not be physical, but it is mental and that is much worse. Bruises heal over time, where as, mental injuries are forever, for most. I don't know what to do to help her and make her safe there.

On March 15, 2012, there will be a CPT meeting to determine if Airie will be returned to her mother and I am scared for her. She may be only four, but she understand all too much what is going on. She told every time that she is coming home and she is so scared. He mother doesn't care that she is actually hurting her daughter by telling her this and not helping her. If she didn't love living here it would be completely different. But, she is happy and safe and terrified of living back with her mom. She loves her mom but, she is terrified about living there.  I wish CPS actually gave a damn about the kids they are supposed to be protecting instead of just being done with this case. This poor little girls is about to have her life torn apart again and I cannot stand it.

I wish there was someone out there that could help me, help protect her. I almost wonder if I could find an attorney that would help us, but we have no money. We are barely making it as it stands. I guess we will be at the mercy of what they choose and with any hope, Airie will not have her life destroyed in the process.

Please help me!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Researching life changing diseases.

With the passing of my father I reconnected with his ex-wife my step-mom Mary. It has truely been a blessing. She really helped me and my brother and sister deal with the loss of our father. Mary has always been very special to me she was a huge part of my life for ten plus years before my dad hurt her. I resently learned she is sick, with a very rare disease called Mastocytosis. I have no idea what this is and have decides to do some research about it. I know she is going through hell with the treatments. It makes me worry about her, the last thing I want is for her to be sick and in pain. I read that she is having chemo treatments and it scared me. I think I have had enough loss in my life and I really hope she gets some releif from her illness.

The time I had with Mary was very special to me.But when she and my dad divorced she was gone. I was forced to support my dad, even though I was hurting over the loss of a very special women. I turned to anger and said really hurtful things to and about her. I have never forgiven myself for how I acted during that time in my life. Mary however, she unconditionally forgave me. No strings attached, just gave me her love and support as if no time had passed and nor harsh words were ever exchanged. She had forever changed me, again!

For all of you that follow my blog and blog community, I ask you to send your prayers and good wishes to my stepmom Mary. I want her to be healthy, happy and surrounded by love. I want her to live a long and happy life and to know that she has a huge family that loves and supports her. I want my daughter to continue to have a relationship with her and love her as I do. Life is difficult and she has lived a hard enough life, I want her to have a life full of safety and complete pease.

Thank you everyone for the support you have given me over the last year, it is unmeasurable!!!!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Overnight visits have begun.

Last week was Airies first overnight visit and from her perspective it went ok. She did however say her sister, freaked out constantly and hit her several times. In addition too, she said that her sister kept sneaking into her bedroom all night long and she couldn't sleep there. She came home so tired and upset it was terrible.

Then tonight I picked her up and went to get take out she said basically the same thing and went to sleep as soon as she was done eating. She cried alot and said she was scared of her sister. She said she kept bothering her all night and touched her crotch.

Last week I took her to the doctor and they said they would file a report. Cps came to Airies  daycare and promptly closed the claim. What are they going to do close their eyes until this child has been destroyed. Then her grandmother informed me that Airies was also spending the night Monday which has not even been approved by Cps. This of course once again puts me in a crappy situation. Why can't they just follow the rules. They don't give a rats ass about me and the crappy situation they keep puting me in. The CASA or guadian has not even approved the overnights. This is gotten rediculous. I almost can't take it anymore. I feel like calling them and telling them I am done and they need to make other arrangements for the child. But then I would just be hurting her and that I cannot live with. I will tell you one thing when this is over, I am done. They will not see my child, talk to me nor have a relationship with my next child. Adam and I plan to have another child by next year. They have chosen sides and will need to live with that.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Court Today, Wow the state loves to waste money!

Today we had another court hearing regarding my niece again and we once again got no where! It was "There has been good progress on the mothers part, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! See you in three months." I can't stand it anymore. I hate being in limbo. Aireonna had her first overnight visit with her mother this weekend and came home and cried in my lap all evening and was totally exhausted. She said her sister kept coming in her room all night long and hurting her or just plain bugging her. She was so tired she was asleep by 7pm.

They keep telling Airie that she is going to be going home in three weeks, but no one has said that and to be frank it terrifies me to think she could go home. The poor girl will be tortured by her sister. Its bad enough the three days a week she is visiting now. I have to completely stop all her bad behaviors she picks up from her sister. It sucks. She is going to go home and get lost in the craziness of that situation. I wish  there was something I could do to help her. It really sucks!

My Meagan on the other hand is doing really well the injections really helped her this time. She is a teenager now and super hormonal. OMG! Puberty Sucks!!!!

Friday, February 17, 2012

The little trooper did great!

I had a minor meltdown when the nurse could not get the IV in because she would not listen to me. I kept telling her how and what to do but she would not listen and of course it turned into me being a complete raging psycho and an IV specialist to do it correctly. But all in all she did great. She weaseled two toys out of the nurses like always and was as sweat as she always is. She makes me so proud. I love my little angel. Afterwords Airie wanted to cover her in bandaids and then said she had a boo boo everywhere so she could get some attention. So for the next two days it was the attention wars. But its ok, we don't know how much longer we will all be together, so I tend to give them what they want. I think Meagan senses things are changing, she is very in tune with my feelings. She has been very clingy, and pushing Airie away. Where as before she wanted her next to her at all times.

Another life changer is that my baby got her period. OMG! I cannot believe it. I new it would happen eventually, but I was hoping it would be a little later and I could pretend that she is not growing up. She is changing so much I can hardly stand it. So now I have to get her a physical and decide if we are going to allow her to have her cycle or stop it. I think the least medical intervention the better. I don't really know what I am going to do yet. I am just going to see how she handles it and take it from there. We are however, going to have the geneticist redue all the testing that was originally done to rule out any diseases. Its alot to take in, but its better to know than not to know, plus it will determine if we are going to have more children.

I have been having alot of anxiety lately about Airie going home. I know its not fair of me to feel this way, but I have had her for almost half of her life at this point. I just worry about her sister. I know she is doing somewhat better than before, but its not enough, she scares me. I would just die if anything happened to Airie. But the good thing is that it is not up to me, the Judge will get to make that bad call. Poor baby.

We have court on Tuesday and I am terrified that they could let her go home. I would hope they wont be that dumb. But we will cross that bridge when we get there. So for all of you that believe in God, pray.

I will update again after court!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Wednesday Meagan has more injections

Once again we prepare for more injections. Even though we have been through have been through this process, it scares me no less. I am so thankful my husband boss is so understanding and lets him work his schedule to be there with me. No one makes me feel better than him and I know Meagan loves that he is there. I know she will be that brave little angel she is. But anytime your child is placed under anesthesia it is scary; they could possible not wake up or like when she had heal chord surgery, she got medical pneumonia. That was especially terrifying. Her doctors are pros and never put her in danger. It sucks she has to go through this every three months, but she is a tough cookie. I know parents always say they broke the mold when they made my child, but I truly feel this way. She is unique and special in every way and I would do anything for her. She truly make make world bearable. School this quarter has been good, I am having trouble in one class, as always! One class I worry about and then I pass it and the worry was for nothing, but this class I am not so sure about. I am going to meet with my instructor on Wednesday and hopefully she can help me. I am sure it will work out fine. I am going to apply for the job I spoke about in my last post. It would be an amazing opportunity, I really hope I get it!!!!!!

Its time for the superbowl, not that I really care but I'm sure the half time show will be entertaining. I really only watch it for the commercials:)

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Changes, Changes, Changes!!

 I have been reflecting on the last year and realizing how much I have gone through. Last year was one of the hardest years of my life. On January 11, 2010, I was injured at my job. On November 20, 2010, I find out that my employer of eleven years laid me off without even calling me, which was devistating at the time. Then on December 20, 2010, I was rear-ended on the freeway and then on February 14, 2011, I got hit by a car. Knowing I was going to have neck surgery and going to be sedated for the first time, I decided I needed to make peace with my father(we had been astranged for that last few years) and found out on March 1, 2011, that my dad died. I had googled his name hoping to find his phone number and found his obituary instead. March 2, 2011, I had neck surgery. Then on June 23, 2011 I had shoulder surgery. It was rough and I got really sick, but I made it through it. Then on December 7, 2011, I had left arm nerve surgery. Meanwhile, during this entire time, I have been taking care of my child with special needs, have temporary custody of my niece, and going to college full time. When do I have time for myself? Plus, make my husband happy(in every way possible).

To add to all these changes my daughters caregiver of 11-years retired. This has been very hard on me personally. She didn't just take terrific care of Meagan, she was a friend and I came to rely on her for alot more than my child's care. The new caregiver is terrific and my daughter really likes her plus she is fun to be around. So for once something good came out of something bad. We still miss her, but she lives close by and promised to keep in touch.

I got an email yesterday regarding a job. It would be a dream job for me. It's an advocacy position which is what I want to do. I am under-qualified for the position. I do not have the schooling for the position, but I have tons of others experience that I feel will make me the perfect candidate. I am going to at least apply and see what happens. Who knows! I might get the job and a new career that will actually be rewarding. I really hope so. I have lost alot of faith in myself since losing my job of 11-years. I know I did everything possible, but my injuries have really changed my life. I cannot work, the pain is constant and somewhat depressing. That is why I opted for a college education. I figured I could go to school while recovering from my injuries, but it is slow going and rough. I just want to be healthy and able to take care of my family the way I used too.  I do not think this is too much to ask for. I am a good person, a great mother and wife; and I deserve it!

The children keep me really busy and I love every minute of being with them, however, I really feel bad that my husband has to bare the burden of being the one providing for everyone. He is so wonderful; working 7-days a week so I can pursue my dream of getting a college degree. Not that many husbands are as supportive of their wives dreams and I am so thankful.

I started this blog to share my story with others who may or may not be going through what I have gone through. If I could help just one family, reliving all this pain would be worth it. I hope those of you that follow my blog have gotten something from my blog, because I sure have. The support you have given me during this very hard period of time had been overwhelmingly supportive and has truly made a difference in my life.

Those of you that have take the time to post a comment: I treasure them all! Whenever, I feel down or overwhelmed I read your comments and it changes my life. I hope you all know how much you have helped me. Thank you and please continue to post your comments on my blog posts.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Got to love the life you live!!

Christmas really was good. I went to my brothers on Christmas eve and had an amazing dinner with my side of the family. The kids played, loved their gifts and the photo albums I made my family members seemed to be loved by all. Then came Christmas day. What a joke. The morning was perfect. I watched my two beautiful girls overjoyed by what Santa had got them. They were wonderful. The sucky part was when we went over to my in-laws house. I wasn't overly excited about the visit to begin with, but put on my supportive happy face, and went anyways. We dived into presents pretty quickly because Jocelyn was un-relenting. This is where I get a little upset. Meagan had four presents, whereas, Aireonna had at least fifty. I don't care that she had so many gifts. What I care about is that they should have waited until we left to bring them all out. I felt so bad for my daughter watching Airie open so much and she had so little. I don't care about gifts, but that was just plain cruel. They kept saying that the gifts came from an organization. I don't care. You don't hand out fifty gifts to one and none to another, you wait and then give those gifts. Such BS.

Prior to Christmas we got the news  that our grandfather wasn't going to make it much longer and we needed to say our goodbyes. I was lucky enough to spend some time with him telling him that I loved him and it was ok for him to go. That we would be ok and he could be in peace. It's a really weird feeling, telling someone its ok for them to die. Grandpa made it through Christmas and then passed on December 27, 2011 at the age of 96. He passed one week after his 96th birthday. I did the flowers for his funeral and I couldn't be more proud of my creations. They were amazing. Grandpa had a send off that he would have been so proud of. I had a sadness though  that is un-relenting. I find myself needing to make sure my own father gets the service he deserves. Is it wrong to feel jealous that I have not gotten the closure that I need and my family did? It sucks.

That is the story of my life!!!

Life is full of disappointments, its what you do with them that shape you as the person you are. Is this saying true or philosophical BS. I don't really know, I just do what I feel is right and try to not let people down. But is that enough? Am I doing enough?

Time will tell!!!!