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Friday, March 23, 2012

Sad Times at the Pritchard House

These last few days have been a test at my strength; as a person and as a mother. I never new pain could run so deep. I know my time is limited with Airie and so does she. She is my little shadow. Every morning she begs me to stay home and snuggle with me. But I really want to keep her routine the same, that is paramount in any child's development. Tuesday nights are the hardest. She comes home after being away for four days and she is emotional. I have been letting her stay up a little longer than I normally would so that I can spend one on one time with her. Sometimes she is happy and sometimes she is devastated. I let her feel however she needs to feel and I tell her over and over that she is the most loved little girl in the world and that no matter what happens I want her to be happy and not sad. This week I held her constantly, she cries and doesn't know what to do with herself. It tears me up inside. I don't show any emotion, that is not for her to see, but when I am alone, I have to let it out.

Last night was good, she finally was happy again, once I had forty new hair styles and held her constantly. She is so worried about losing me it concerns me. The worst part, its only going to be worse before its better. As they increase visits with her mom she is going to be increasingly upset, she has already shown these signs. I know I am doing the best I can, for her, but I am so worried about her.

My daughter is really attached to Airie, and when she is gone, she asks about her alot. They have been good for each other. Its really funny Meagan has to talk over the tops of the little motor mouth to be heard and she has finally found her voice. I am a proud momma! I know that when my husband and I have our next child she will be the best big sister. Meagan is so wonderful!!!

I guess we will see how the future turns out. I hope someone will intervene and change the future, but I couldn't be so lucky!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

My nightmare is coming true!

Last week CPS had a meeting to decide if Airie will be returned to her mom and they decided they were going to return her. Which, was what I was afraid of. I always knew it was a possibility, but hoped they would open their eyes and realize they would be destroying her life. But, none of that matters, they are going to do it anyways.

They decided they would slowly increase visitation and overnight stays and then permanently place her back with her mom. I think this is almost worse than, just taking her away immediately. Now its a long drawn out process, that is putting the poor child through hell. I feel so bad for her, she is so torn. She said she loves her mommy and wants to go home, but is happy and safe here. She said she doesn't have nightmares when she is here and that at Nana's house she get really scared at night. How sad, she is only four years old, she shouldn't be having nightmares. I wish there was something I could do to help her.

She also is torn, because she is happy here. She is so torn, she loves her family here and there, it's terrible. I wish our fate was different. There is so much I would have done to help her cope. I planned on getting her into therapy, but CPS stopped me, saying it was denied. The councilors she met with, said she needed more than the ten sessions they could do for free. They felt she needed long term help, so this doesn't haunt her future. What makes it worse is that once she is home, she will get lost in the chaos of her sister and lose all the growth she has made. I was talking with her daycare workers and they made a comment that, when she first started there she was so behind. She could not speak full sentences, she did not know her colors or shapes and now I have gotten her to the point she can read some small books and even spell her name. They said she is very bright and right there with the school age kids. That makes me so proud. What a huge improvement. I am so proud of her.

What's going to happen is she is going to fall back into the old ways and lose everything we have worked so hard to teach her.


How can we be the only ones who see how bad it will be for her? I really hope the people I have called will step up and help me!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Two more days and the fate of my niece will be revealed.

On Thursday, there is going to be a meeting to determine if Airie will be returned home. Its a mixed bag of emotions. I know without a doubt she should not go home, but I am also aware she loves her mommy. I know when she is there she is somewhat happy, but when she is here, she is safe and happy. I don't believe she is ever safe at her moms, her sister is too un-stable. Its scares me to think that this little angel could get hurt and lost in the chaos of her sister. But I have no say in what happens. One thing I know without a doubt, is that everything I have done for Airie the last 18-months means nothing to her mother or to the in-laws. What my husband and I have sacrificed to care for Airie means nothings. I find myself having a hard time of not telling CPS everything, the actual truth. I know they don't give a crap about me or what this has done to me, so why not. Maybe they should know everything? Its really hard to stand by and let someone you love be in harms way. I pray that if there is a god, that she is protected and doesn't experience too much loss when she is taken from me.

For the last three days she has been with her mom. They just decided not to return her. I am done fighting for them to make the right choices. What hurts me the most is why couldn't they just give me this time with her. If she is leaving on Thursday's, why couldn't they just be decent and let me have what few day I have left with her.

When this is over, things will never be the same, I will make sure of it. As far as I am concerned, they will never have a relationship with my child again. I am done. This last disrespect is the last one. I cannot do this anymore. When you add up everything that has been said and done the last few years it is just too much for me to stop looking at it and continue forgiving everyone. I cannot do it anymore.

I feel broken and betrayed beyond repair. I am a strong woman and will be just fine, but I will never forget the hurt and pain that has been dealt to me and I will never allow it to happen again. Period.

I may not have a real say in Airies life, but as far as my daughter, I do and I will not allow anyone to be near her and hurt her anymore. Everyone has been hurt in my home, my daughter included. She doesn't understand why her baby is gone. She misses her so much. Thank god I have other family that actually cares about me and will help fill that void.

Thank you everyone that has supported me over the last year. Especially those who have given my unconditional love and have stood by my side during this very difficult time. Adam as always your are my rock, never forget that you keep me grounded and are the love of my life (besides Meagan of course). I love you all so much!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Wow! It has been one tough week!!!

So for two weeks Airie has had overnight visits and has come home and had a really tough time. She keeps telling me that her sister has been yelling at her, hitting her, and coming in her room all night not letting her sleep. Its seem true because she is no exhausted she has black lines under her eyes. CPS, does not care about this case at all. They will not even take any reports of abuse I report or Airies Doctor reports. This Tuesday when she came home, it took me almost two hours to calm her down after the visit. They keep telling her she will be coming home in a week, but what they do not realize is that she is not wanting to come home. She wants to be here where she feels safe(her words not mine). She cried so hard, it broke my heart. Then when my mother-in-law came to pick her up, she was over an hour early and I had not had the usual amount of time I need to prepare her for the overnight and she cried her head off when she was leaving me. I wish they would realize what they are doing to her. What do I have to do to get it through them, that they are hurting her. It may not be physical, but it is mental and that is much worse. Bruises heal over time, where as, mental injuries are forever, for most. I don't know what to do to help her and make her safe there.

On March 15, 2012, there will be a CPT meeting to determine if Airie will be returned to her mother and I am scared for her. She may be only four, but she understand all too much what is going on. She told every time that she is coming home and she is so scared. He mother doesn't care that she is actually hurting her daughter by telling her this and not helping her. If she didn't love living here it would be completely different. But, she is happy and safe and terrified of living back with her mom. She loves her mom but, she is terrified about living there.  I wish CPS actually gave a damn about the kids they are supposed to be protecting instead of just being done with this case. This poor little girls is about to have her life torn apart again and I cannot stand it.

I wish there was someone out there that could help me, help protect her. I almost wonder if I could find an attorney that would help us, but we have no money. We are barely making it as it stands. I guess we will be at the mercy of what they choose and with any hope, Airie will not have her life destroyed in the process.

Please help me!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Researching life changing diseases.

With the passing of my father I reconnected with his ex-wife my step-mom Mary. It has truely been a blessing. She really helped me and my brother and sister deal with the loss of our father. Mary has always been very special to me she was a huge part of my life for ten plus years before my dad hurt her. I resently learned she is sick, with a very rare disease called Mastocytosis. I have no idea what this is and have decides to do some research about it. I know she is going through hell with the treatments. It makes me worry about her, the last thing I want is for her to be sick and in pain. I read that she is having chemo treatments and it scared me. I think I have had enough loss in my life and I really hope she gets some releif from her illness.

The time I had with Mary was very special to me.But when she and my dad divorced she was gone. I was forced to support my dad, even though I was hurting over the loss of a very special women. I turned to anger and said really hurtful things to and about her. I have never forgiven myself for how I acted during that time in my life. Mary however, she unconditionally forgave me. No strings attached, just gave me her love and support as if no time had passed and nor harsh words were ever exchanged. She had forever changed me, again!

For all of you that follow my blog and blog community, I ask you to send your prayers and good wishes to my stepmom Mary. I want her to be healthy, happy and surrounded by love. I want her to live a long and happy life and to know that she has a huge family that loves and supports her. I want my daughter to continue to have a relationship with her and love her as I do. Life is difficult and she has lived a hard enough life, I want her to have a life full of safety and complete pease.

Thank you everyone for the support you have given me over the last year, it is unmeasurable!!!!