The last two days I find myself, missing my dad, terribly. I have been dreaming about him again and it shocks me every time, because it feels so real. I have been blessed to make amends with some people that were very important to me for over ten years and it has really helped me alot. But, today I awoke to a call from a friend from school. Two weeks ago he lost his daughter in Africa and today he lost his mother. I feel his pain because of my own loss. I know nothing about the loss of a child but the loss of a parent I am living. I feel so deeply for his pain and unrelenting sadness that has affected him lately. I find myself praying constantly and I am not a religious person. I am terrified I will lose my mother, I don't know what I would do if I lost her. When ever I am alone, I find myself crying alot. I want this grieving to stop but it plagues me constantly. I know my dad did alot of bad things, but I still love him and miss him none the less. I wish I could have seen him and said good bye, maybe I would not be feeling this way. I hope he knows that beyond all the drama and fighting, we all loved him. We fought because my mom and dad's raised us to be fighters and stand up for ourselves, but most of all we were raised to love each other and never forget that family is what matters the most. Friends will come and go but family you are tied to forever and that never changes. They will be there for you when no one else is and they are who is important.
I guess the point is that "I forgive you dad." "I forgive you for hurting my mom, for abandoning us whenever you had a new girlfriend, I forgive you for hurting Mary, I forgive you for hurting me and my sibling by not telling us you were sick and not letting us save your life. I forgive you for not playing a role in my daughters life, I forgive you for not saying goodbye to me. I forgive you for not playing much of a role in my life when I was growing up, I forgive you for always calling me three day after my birthday when it was actually your dogs birthday. I forgive you for the letter that destroyed our family. I will always love you and remember you every time I look in the mirror. I will raise my daughter better than the example you showed me. I will keep your memory alive in how I live my life. I will show my family that they mean everything to me and no matter what disagreement we have, I will never let it stop us from being a family. Right now I am broken, but I know it will heal, but I will never forget. I will carry you in my heart for as long as I live."
I am so sorry. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things in the world, but I like to think that it will get better with time, as cliche as that sounds. It's been two years for me and I often end up right where I started.. but I'd like to think that, eventually, time will help heal it. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteShannon, Being a private type person, yet wanting to shout to the world all my sorrows and joys over the years, I salute you for having the courage to write all that you do on this blog. I am so proud of YOU. I love the way you love your husband, your daughter, and yes, even your inperfect father.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was growing up, a lot of what Mom said was how her father never spoke to her in her life. How by the time she was born, being the last of nine kids, he had no time left for her, and how she always felt less than the other eight kids. Every achievement she had, they had already done. I always thought we had this 'father' curse, as I went from one bad marriage with a drunken husband to another husband who was a child molester. No matter what their imperfection was, yet my daughters always sought their father's love and attention. Even if it was only in private, in their hearts. As I see more people through my life, I see that my family is not the only ones to have this 'father' torrment. I am so happy to know that Adam is a great father to Meagan, and happy to even take on Angie's child too.
I am sorry we have not had the opportunity to really know you all more. This blog helps me a lot to feel closer to you all.
After Mom died back in 1999, I started seeing the clock repeating the same number 1:11, 4:11, 6:11. Every time I happened to look at the clock, it said something eleven. That has been happening now for 12 years. I can never forget Mom because of the clock. You don't have to be a religious person to believe that life goes on. Trust me, it does. Your father is not dead, he can still watch over you, just from a different dimension. You can still talk to him, and enjoy him. Just talk to him. It helps to relieve your pain and your dreams may settle down some. I just finished reading a short book called 'Heaven is for Real' that is such a heart warming book, I felt great after reading it. It is a story about a little boy that at the age of three years, he died for three minutes, and then came back to life. In his childish way he tells his Dad what he saw in heaven. Amazing. This book has sold over 1 million copies in less than one year.
I am not trying to preach to you, just be there with you in your grief. I am very proud to be your aunt. Keep writing. I know how much it helps to release your pain and inspires others.
Aunt Flip
what is a profile? not sure how this blog works. hope you receive this.