As most of you know I am the mother of a child that is disabled. She is 12 and her name is Meagan. When Meagan was three she got her first manual wheel chair which has been a much used necessity. We still have that same chair and Meagan has grown out of it. So for the last year we have been trying to get the state to approve a new chair, with no luck yet. Meagan's chair has gotten so dangerous she can tip over in it and she screams if she is not completely harnessed in her chair. We desperately need this chair because we do not have a van that has a wheelchair lift in it to transfer her power chair, so we use her manual chair for everyday life. I can't believe they are giving us so much trouble when it is the only chair they have purchased in almost ten years. Crazy!!!
To ad insult to injury in 2005 I bought a brand new mini van, a Toyota Sienna. I was so excited because it was going to make our lives so much easier and it really has. The sales person assured me that our van could be modified when we needed it and that Toyota even gives a $1000 towards this modification, however he did not bother to tell me that we have to order the van pre-modified from Toyota to support a lift. So now with our daughter getting much bigger and our bodies failing for various reasons, we need a new chair and soon a wheelchair ramp van, but are so poor that is not possible. We are barely surviving on the income we make now and our credit has been destroyed with the loss of our business and rental house. I feel like we are never going to get ahead of the chaos that has taken over our lives these last few years. I find myself feeling lost again and scared.
I decided to go to college so I can have a future with a career that makes me happy. I don't care if I make a ton of money, I just want to work and be happy. It might take several years of schooling but after spending 16 years at my last career and leaving the way I did. I find myself needing to have meaning to my life. There are so many unanswered questions lately, that have fogged up my brain. With my dad dieing I have scars so deep emotionally that I don't know when they will ever heal. I live with the constant fear of something happening to my daughter. I am in pain constantly from my injuries and terrified for the surgeries that are coming my way. I feel such a loss in my life that I don't know how to fill the void.
I have over extended myself trying to help my husband's sister and raising her daughter. Keep in mind this is in addition to taking care of my daughter who requires 100% care, as well as going to school full time, advocating for my sister-in-laws kids, trying to help her lawyer keep her out of jail, and keep my husband happy. Friday I had to trim Aireanna's hair (my foster niece) because she came home from daycare with something in it that would not wash out. I trimmed maybe a quarter inch. Her mom calls me today flipping out on me for not consulting her about cutting Aireanna's hair. I was shock by her hostility. I have cut her hair two other times and she has never said anything to me before, in addition I have custody of her, I don't need to tell her anything I choose to do with her child, she lost that right when she was placed in my home. In addition too, she would not have near the relationship she has with her, if it wasn't for me agreeing to take her into my home. I was trying to explain to her that I don't always call her about these things because she doesn't answer her phone when she called me a f-ing Bitch and hung up on me. This is the person I have stuck up for constantly and helped constantly so she could get one of her two children back. I have gone to every court hearing to support her and turned my life upside down for the last seven months just to help her and her children. I am done, no more will I continue to do these things for people that don't even appreciate them. I am so tired of people using me and taking me for granted, I have no more to give. Its time for some people to grow up and take care themselves instead of having everyone do everything for them. It blows my mind when I think about everything I have done for people and then try to think about what have they done for me. Mostly nothing, a few loads of dishes and laundry after I had surgery. WOW!! That's the thanks I get. No more, I am done. I will no longer help people that are completely capable of helping themselves, yet choose not to and are to selfish to appreciate what everybody does for them. Plus I will not be talked to that way by anyone period. God I love my life can it please get better!!!