Overnight visits have begun.

Last week was Airies first overnight visit and from her perspective it went ok. She did however say her sister, freaked out constantly and hit her several times. In addition too, she said that her sister kept sneaking into her bedroom all night long and she couldn't sleep there. She came home so tired and upset it was terrible.

Then tonight I picked her up and went to get take out she said basically the same thing and went to sleep as soon as she was done eating. She cried alot and said she was scared of her sister. She said she kept bothering her all night and touched her crotch.

Last week I took her to the doctor and they said they would file a report. Cps came to Airies  daycare and promptly closed the claim. What are they going to do close their eyes until this child has been destroyed. Then her grandmother informed me that Airies was also spending the night Monday which has not even been approved by Cps. This of course once again puts me in a crappy situation. Why can't they just follow the rules. They don't give a rats ass about me and the crappy situation they keep puting me in. The CASA or guadian has not even approved the overnights. This is gotten rediculous. I almost can't take it anymore. I feel like calling them and telling them I am done and they need to make other arrangements for the child. But then I would just be hurting her and that I cannot live with. I will tell you one thing when this is over, I am done. They will not see my child, talk to me nor have a relationship with my next child. Adam and I plan to have another child by next year. They have chosen sides and will need to live with that.

Court Today, Wow the state loves to waste money!

Today we had another court hearing regarding my niece again and we once again got no where! It was "There has been good progress on the mothers part, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! See you in three months." I can't stand it anymore. I hate being in limbo. Aireonna had her first overnight visit with her mother this weekend and came home and cried in my lap all evening and was totally exhausted. She said her sister kept coming in her room all night long and hurting her or just plain bugging her. She was so tired she was asleep by 7pm.

They keep telling Airie that she is going to be going home in three weeks, but no one has said that and to be frank it terrifies me to think she could go home. The poor girl will be tortured by her sister. Its bad enough the three days a week she is visiting now. I have to completely stop all her bad behaviors she picks up from her sister. It sucks. She is going to go home and get lost in the craziness of that situation. I wish  there was something I could do to help her. It really sucks!

My Meagan on the other hand is doing really well the injections really helped her this time. She is a teenager now and super hormonal. OMG! Puberty Sucks!!!!

The little trooper did great!

I had a minor meltdown when the nurse could not get the IV in because she would not listen to me. I kept telling her how and what to do but she would not listen and of course it turned into me being a complete raging psycho and an IV specialist to do it correctly. But all in all she did great. She weaseled two toys out of the nurses like always and was as sweat as she always is. She makes me so proud. I love my little angel. Afterwords Airie wanted to cover her in bandaids and then said she had a boo boo everywhere so she could get some attention. So for the next two days it was the attention wars. But its ok, we don't know how much longer we will all be together, so I tend to give them what they want. I think Meagan senses things are changing, she is very in tune with my feelings. She has been very clingy, and pushing Airie away. Where as before she wanted her next to her at all times.

Another life changer is that my baby got her period. OMG! I cannot believe it. I new it would happen eventually, but I was hoping it would be a little later and I could pretend that she is not growing up. She is changing so much I can hardly stand it. So now I have to get her a physical and decide if we are going to allow her to have her cycle or stop it. I think the least medical intervention the better. I don't really know what I am going to do yet. I am just going to see how she handles it and take it from there. We are however, going to have the geneticist redue all the testing that was originally done to rule out any diseases. Its alot to take in, but its better to know than not to know, plus it will determine if we are going to have more children.

I have been having alot of anxiety lately about Airie going home. I know its not fair of me to feel this way, but I have had her for almost half of her life at this point. I just worry about her sister. I know she is doing somewhat better than before, but its not enough, she scares me. I would just die if anything happened to Airie. But the good thing is that it is not up to me, the Judge will get to make that bad call. Poor baby.

We have court on Tuesday and I am terrified that they could let her go home. I would hope they wont be that dumb. But we will cross that bridge when we get there. So for all of you that believe in God, pray.

I will update again after court!

Wednesday Meagan has more injections

Once again we prepare for more injections. Even though we have been through have been through this process, it scares me no less. I am so thankful my husband boss is so understanding and lets him work his schedule to be there with me. No one makes me feel better than him and I know Meagan loves that he is there. I know she will be that brave little angel she is. But anytime your child is placed under anesthesia it is scary; they could possible not wake up or like when she had heal chord surgery, she got medical pneumonia. That was especially terrifying. Her doctors are pros and never put her in danger. It sucks she has to go through this every three months, but she is a tough cookie. I know parents always say they broke the mold when they made my child, but I truly feel this way. She is unique and special in every way and I would do anything for her. She truly make make world bearable. School this quarter has been good, I am having trouble in one class, as always! One class I worry about and then I pass it and the worry was for nothing, but this class I am not so sure about. I am going to meet with my instructor on Wednesday and hopefully she can help me. I am sure it will work out fine. I am going to apply for the job I spoke about in my last post. It would be an amazing opportunity, I really hope I get it!!!!!!

Its time for the superbowl, not that I really care but I'm sure the half time show will be entertaining. I really only watch it for the commercials:)

Changes, Changes, Changes!!

 I have been reflecting on the last year and realizing how much I have gone through. Last year was one of the hardest years of my life. On January 11, 2010, I was injured at my job. On November 20, 2010, I find out that my employer of eleven years laid me off without even calling me, which was devistating at the time. Then on December 20, 2010, I was rear-ended on the freeway and then on February 14, 2011, I got hit by a car. Knowing I was going to have neck surgery and going to be sedated for the first time, I decided I needed to make peace with my father(we had been astranged for that last few years) and found out on March 1, 2011, that my dad died. I had googled his name hoping to find his phone number and found his obituary instead. March 2, 2011, I had neck surgery. Then on June 23, 2011 I had shoulder surgery. It was rough and I got really sick, but I made it through it. Then on December 7, 2011, I had left arm nerve surgery. Meanwhile, during this entire time, I have been taking care of my child with special needs, have temporary custody of my niece, and going to college full time. When do I have time for myself? Plus, make my husband happy(in every way possible).

To add to all these changes my daughters caregiver of 11-years retired. This has been very hard on me personally. She didn't just take terrific care of Meagan, she was a friend and I came to rely on her for alot more than my child's care. The new caregiver is terrific and my daughter really likes her plus she is fun to be around. So for once something good came out of something bad. We still miss her, but she lives close by and promised to keep in touch.

I got an email yesterday regarding a job. It would be a dream job for me. It's an advocacy position which is what I want to do. I am under-qualified for the position. I do not have the schooling for the position, but I have tons of others experience that I feel will make me the perfect candidate. I am going to at least apply and see what happens. Who knows! I might get the job and a new career that will actually be rewarding. I really hope so. I have lost alot of faith in myself since losing my job of 11-years. I know I did everything possible, but my injuries have really changed my life. I cannot work, the pain is constant and somewhat depressing. That is why I opted for a college education. I figured I could go to school while recovering from my injuries, but it is slow going and rough. I just want to be healthy and able to take care of my family the way I used too.  I do not think this is too much to ask for. I am a good person, a great mother and wife; and I deserve it!

The children keep me really busy and I love every minute of being with them, however, I really feel bad that my husband has to bare the burden of being the one providing for everyone. He is so wonderful; working 7-days a week so I can pursue my dream of getting a college degree. Not that many husbands are as supportive of their wives dreams and I am so thankful.

I started this blog to share my story with others who may or may not be going through what I have gone through. If I could help just one family, reliving all this pain would be worth it. I hope those of you that follow my blog have gotten something from my blog, because I sure have. The support you have given me during this very hard period of time had been overwhelmingly supportive and has truly made a difference in my life.

Those of you that have take the time to post a comment: I treasure them all! Whenever, I feel down or overwhelmed I read your comments and it changes my life. I hope you all know how much you have helped me. Thank you and please continue to post your comments on my blog posts.

Got to love the life you live!!

Christmas really was good. I went to my brothers on Christmas eve and had an amazing dinner with my side of the family. The kids played, loved their gifts and the photo albums I made my family members seemed to be loved by all. Then came Christmas day. What a joke. The morning was perfect. I watched my two beautiful girls overjoyed by what Santa had got them. They were wonderful. The sucky part was when we went over to my in-laws house. I wasn't overly excited about the visit to begin with, but put on my supportive happy face, and went anyways. We dived into presents pretty quickly because Jocelyn was un-relenting. This is where I get a little upset. Meagan had four presents, whereas, Aireonna had at least fifty. I don't care that she had so many gifts. What I care about is that they should have waited until we left to bring them all out. I felt so bad for my daughter watching Airie open so much and she had so little. I don't care about gifts, but that was just plain cruel. They kept saying that the gifts came from an organization. I don't care. You don't hand out fifty gifts to one and none to another, you wait and then give those gifts. Such BS.

Prior to Christmas we got the news  that our grandfather wasn't going to make it much longer and we needed to say our goodbyes. I was lucky enough to spend some time with him telling him that I loved him and it was ok for him to go. That we would be ok and he could be in peace. It's a really weird feeling, telling someone its ok for them to die. Grandpa made it through Christmas and then passed on December 27, 2011 at the age of 96. He passed one week after his 96th birthday. I did the flowers for his funeral and I couldn't be more proud of my creations. They were amazing. Grandpa had a send off that he would have been so proud of. I had a sadness though  that is un-relenting. I find myself needing to make sure my own father gets the service he deserves. Is it wrong to feel jealous that I have not gotten the closure that I need and my family did? It sucks.

That is the story of my life!!!

Life is full of disappointments, its what you do with them that shape you as the person you are. Is this saying true or philosophical BS. I don't really know, I just do what I feel is right and try to not let people down. But is that enough? Am I doing enough?

Time will tell!!!!

Can my life be more difficult!!!

Last week I had surgery again! This is the third time this year and it really sucks. I am doing good this time. Thank GOD!!!!! The last surgery I got really sick, but I didn't get sick this time. I am just in a lot of pain. Christmas is next week and I don't really have any money to buy my husband anything really decent. I got him a couple of things, but I never feel like its enough. He does so much for me. Every day he gets up early and gets Meagan ready for school before he goes to work. He picks up our foster niece Airie from daycare and he works 7-days a week just for us to barely make ends meet. All for me to get well and go to college. He said something to me last week that really stung. He said I am always putting him down and calling him names like stupid or talking bad about him to people. I was really taken back by it, because when I say things like "your stupid" I am always joking and don't really mean anything buy it. But you can never really tell if what you say to someone they are going to take it the way you mean it. I will have to make sure I am more careful how I say things  and in what context I use them in, I never want him to feel that way. But then I also find myself going back to past times that he has said way worse to me, yet I have let that go and it was ten time worse than anything I could have ever said to him. Like my birthday this year. What I have learned is that it never matters what has happened to you, it what you do to others. VERY TRUE!! One thing is for sure, Adam: my best friend, husband, father of our child, lover, confidant, number one supporter, money maker, fixer of all things broken, my piece of mind in the crazy life we live, and most of all THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, deserves to be made to feel important and all those thing I have listed before and I must remind myself everyday this so that he never feels that way because my life would be nothing without him in it. Period.