Sorry i haven't posted in a long time, here is the latest!!!!

Yesturday was court day and I had my husband come so he could see how his family is treating me. For some reason lately they have decided I am the devil and I am trying to take away is sister's child. When the reality is that I have a really good thing by taking in her child, when I did not have to. I did it because that is what family is supposed to do. They don't even look at the sacrifices we have made and the money it cost us to raise her. It means nothing to them.

When we walked into the court area, Adam's sister said to him, "What are you doing here?" Not hi how are you or how is my daughter. Also she said it all snotty like he had no right to be there, when his life has been turned upside down just as much as anyone. He has to work seven days a week to provide for another person and she treats him that way. I find it appalling. The funny part is he responded with, "Why are you here?" I laughed in my head. He is so funny!! But best of all he got to see what I have been telling him for months. They are treating me like I am the enemy.

So nothing was accomplished in court but a put off for three months, at least we get three more months with Aireonna and his sister has three months to show her true colors. Now that they have loosened the rains on her, she will, its only a matter of time. Come the next court date it will be over a year we have had custody of Aireonna and twenty-one months since she was removed from her mothers care and that give the state legal right to terminate her parental rights. I wish the best for Airie and only want her safe and happy. No matter where that might put her, she deserves a chance at a life of happiness and not total chaos. She actually thinks its completely normal the life she was living, even though she doesn't have that chaos with us.

After every visitation, she is being programmed not to tell me and Adam anything. She actually tells me that she it told that. How sad. Poor little girl, she just wants to be happy and she is being put in so much stress it breaks my heart. Why would you put your four-year old in that situation? What kind of parent does that to their child. I have started looking for a therapist to help her through this hard time, she is so stressed and wants to please everyone. It really sucks to see her go through this torment every week. After the visits she tells me how horrible her sister treats her and that she only goes there to see her Nana, but she loves her mommy too. She is really being hurt by their behavior and they don't even see it. After she is brought home she won't leave my side, I can't even go to the bathroom without her following me. She is always crawling in my arms and holding me and kissing me. She always tells me how much she loves me and that she never wants to leave here. But there is nothing I can do besides reassure her that she is safe and its going to be ok, when the reality is that its not going to be ok. Its a lose, lose situation. If she goes home, she doesn't have a chance in hell of getting the attention she needs and will get left behind again. If I get custody of her she will be hurt that she can't ever go home to her mommy.

Adam and I have talked about this a lot and we are in it for the long haul we are going to do what ever it takes to make sure she is safe and happy, no m after what. But when this is over, I don't know how things will ever be the same. I am done with the whole situation. If it wasn't for the love we have for that sweet little girl, we would have told them to take her to a foster home so we don't get even more hurt than we already are, but it is too late for that, we love her too much to put her in that situation. We just hope everything works out the way it should and we can have some sort of normalcy in our lives.

As for some good news!! I got invited to join the Pierce Count Board of Developmental Disabilities and am super excited. I will finally going to be able to help others like myself that have a family member that is disabled. I can't wait to get started, this is something I have dreamed about since I got over the initial shock of of having a child with special needs. Wow, this could be life changing for my family. My only fear is that I have no official training, except life experience. I am a fast learner and will learn so much from this, I can't wait!!!

So for those of you that read my blog, wish me luck on my new adventure and with Airie. I just want to do the right thing and keep her safe. I also want to learn about way to help others and be successful at it, it could be the path my future takes me next. I also have my trial at the end of October against the state and my on the job injury that I need to win. Send me all your good thoughts and luck, I need it!!

My angel had her fifth grade graduation!!! She is so proud as was I and her daddy!!

On June 15, 2011 Meagan graduated from the fifth grade and got an award. She is one of two children in special ed that improved enough to leave special and move to an adjustment classroom. I have never felt more proud in my life watching her cruise her wheelchair up to the front of her school in front of everyone, with her amazing smile and pride written all over her face. After the awards the entire fifth grade class sang Carrie Underwoods song, "When Ever You Remember"and I cried watching her do her best to sing the song she loves so much and knows every word of. Its so scary thinking she is going to middle school and starting all over with new teachers and caregivers I know nothing about. But she is so brave, it gives me strength. Since my last post she has gone through another botox injection. I thought I was going to have to go there alone, but was so thankful my sister was able to go with me. Then the next day I had shoulder surgery and got very sick, they said it was a bacterial infection aka mersa virus. I spent the next seven days on IV antibiotics and then had a serious reaction to the meds and have been dealing with that. I try not to complain about life there are so many people in this world that have it way worse than I do, but things have been very tough lately. I still have my niece, which I am so thankful for, she is so special and sweet. I am going to ad her photos they are so cute!

Life is too crazy these days!!

I just finished my first semester in college and I got 104%, 101% and 94%!!!!! Super proud of myself. Tomorrow is court day, I always get scared because it could be my last day with my niece that I have had custody of for almost nine months now. Also on Wednesday Meagan is getting more Botox injections and then on Thursday I am having shoulder surgery. Is my life crazy busy or what? If I lose Aireonna tomorrow, I am going to be devastated, but I have learned a very valuable lesson in taking her into my home and heart. I am even stronger than I thought I was and I now know more than ever before that Adam and I need to have another child. The only thing that is stopping me right now is my injuries. I know I cannot carry a child with a herniated low back disc. So I am going to get all healed up and I am going to have a baby next year or so, no rush! But I also don't want to wait forever, Meagan is 12 and I don't want my kids to be that much further apart in age. I have started making a scrap book of our time with little Aireonna, so that when she does go home and Meagan misses her I can pull out the book and she can look at it and hopefully it will make her not miss her so much. For me, I think I am going to get counselling. I have had so many losses in my short life that I have to find another way to put them away in a health manner. It hard enough having a child with special needs, but I have never really dealt with the pain of it, there is never any time to deal with my feelings. I have too many others that have to come first. I know that is not the healthiest thing in the world but such is life, no matter how bad I feel or sad I feel they need me and they come first. I can have my pity parties when I am alone.
College has been really interesting, I am glad I waited until now to go because if I had went when I was younger I don't think I would have done as good or taken it as seriously. All of my instructors gave me incredible compliments and that felt really good. I have a hard summer quarter coming up. It will definitely be a test of what I can do, but I am super excited about it. I am in a really good place right now. I still have some hard days but things are getting better: I paid off my van and caught up my house so we wont be losing either which is a huge relief. Now we just got to get some of our other debts settled and we will be in the best position we have been in, in about five years. Its progress!

Does anyone know what its like to have custody of a family members child?

I know I have written about my family and all that has been going on with fighting the state. I have temporary custody of my niece and she is truly a precious child, but it is getting harder everyday knowing I will have to give her back. Even though I knew that this would happen, it doesn't change the fact that I will be heart broken. I tried not to let myself get so attached, but that is impossible when you have this sweat little girl in your home everyday, you cuddle every morning and every night. She tells me she loves me so much and she misses me when she is gone. It's really hard, raising a child that is not your own and that has to go back to its own home. Its also very confusing for her. She has been with me over seven months now and she is comfortable here, but also she yearns for her mommy. I have done the best I know how to make her feel at home and secure, but I am not her mommy. She is extremely jealous that her sister gets to be home and she doesn't and that is hard to explain to a four year old, why she can't be home when her sister is. She is so sweat to my daughter and waits on her every whim. Whenever she is at visitation my daughter asks nonstop when her baby is coming back and one of these day I am going to have to tell her that she is not coming back. But at least we are family and will be able to see her, its not like she will disappear out of our lives for good. I have been taking a lot of pictures lately, I thought if I made my daughter her own photo album, she could look at it whenever she misses her baby. Its just really sad. I am so stupid for letting myself get so attached, but this is an impossible situation. My husband and I have been talking about whether we she remove ourselves from this situation, but we can't that would hurt her too much and we can't do that either. What are we going to do?

Death, strikes us all at some point, We know this but why won't it stop hurting?

The last two days I find myself, missing my dad, terribly. I have been dreaming about him again and it shocks me every time, because it feels so real. I have been blessed to make amends with some people that were very important to me for over ten years and it has really helped me alot. But, today I awoke to a call from a friend from school. Two weeks ago he lost his daughter in Africa and today he lost his mother. I feel his pain because of my own loss. I know nothing about the loss of a child but the loss of a parent I am living. I feel so deeply for his pain and unrelenting sadness that has affected him lately. I find myself praying constantly and I am not a religious person. I am terrified I will lose my mother, I don't know what I would do if I lost her. When ever I am alone, I find myself crying alot. I want this grieving to stop but it plagues me constantly. I know my dad did alot of bad things, but I still love him and miss him none the less. I wish I could have seen him and said good bye, maybe I would not be feeling this way. I hope he knows that beyond all the drama and fighting, we all loved him. We fought because my mom and dad's raised us to be fighters and stand up for ourselves, but most of all we were raised to love each other and never forget that family is what matters the most. Friends will come and go but family you are tied to forever and that never changes. They will be there for you when no one else is and they are who is important.

I guess the point is that "I forgive you dad." "I forgive you for hurting my mom, for abandoning us whenever you had a new girlfriend, I forgive you for hurting Mary, I forgive you for hurting me and my sibling by not telling us you were sick and not letting us save your life. I forgive you for not playing a role in my daughters life, I forgive you for not saying goodbye to me. I forgive you for not playing much of a role in my life when I was growing up, I forgive you for always calling me three day after my birthday when it was actually your dogs birthday. I forgive you for the letter that destroyed our family. I will always love you and remember you every time I look in the mirror. I will raise my daughter better than the example you showed me. I will keep your memory alive in how I live my life. I will show my family that they mean everything to me and no matter what disagreement we have, I will never let it stop us from being a family. Right now I am broken, but I know it will heal, but I will never forget.  I will carry you in my heart for as long as I live."

I love my husband! He is truely the best!

My husband let me sleep in, which a gift i don't often get. He got up with the girls and made them breakfast, while I slept. I finally got out of bed around ten am knowing that I had to get Aireanna ready for her visitation with her mother. She playfully ran around the house telling me how much she loved me and how excited she was to get to go see her mommy. The night before I took her shopping and let her pick out something to give her mommy for mothers day. Something that would be from her only. She helped me prepare it in the gift bag she picked out herself and she colored the card she picked out herself. Aireanna was so proud of herself, it was really cute. I dressed her in a new outfit I bought for her then did her hair, then got ready myself. We waited for our caregiver to get here because Meagan did not want to go to grandma house. We took Aireanna to her mom's and watched her older sister have a meltdown, which is a constant occurrence in that home. They reluctantly we left, hoping she would be ok. My husband took me to a wonderful dinner at the KEG and to a movie. We even went to the bookstore and got a case for my nook, which was what I wanted for mothers day. When we got home with Aireanna, she had her bath, then Meagan had her bath, then it was bed for the both of them. All in all it was a good day spent alone with my man. We don't get that very often, so it was really nice to be together. I love my husband!!!!

I hate DSHS!!!!

I have a foster child that is my niece. I received a letter saying they are terminating her medical and income, its dated 4/18/11 and it terminated 4/30/11. How is this possible, she is still in foster care and a ward of the state. I called her CPS case manager two weeks ago when I got the letter  about her medical going to be cancelled and of course i have not gotten a call back. So typical of CPS, they are quick to respond for BS complaints, but when its something that is important got forbid they be responsible and call. So I call the supervisor leave her a message, a week goes by and still no call. God Help me before I lose my mind. They never answer the phone. So I decide to call again finally the supervisor answers but she doesn't know what is going on. I decided to call DSHS myself, was on hold for 45-minutes and thirty seconds after she answers the problem is taken care of. OMG!!! I wish CPS would have said this from the beginning so I would not be freaking out about her medical Another disaster averted. I feel like I am walking through a mine field, it so frustrating!

Last night I dreamt about my dad again. It was so real, I had to force myself to remember he is dead! It really sucks. I wish I could see him one more time. I have been looking for my wedding video, but I can't find it  anywhere. I just want to see him alive and happy. But I think if I keep thinking this way I am just going to take ten more steps backwards. I already dream about him most nights. They are never happy dream either. They are always like the pictures his wife left me and the voice mails she kept that she let me listen to. I did not know I would not feel so empty. I keep telling myself that the sadness will go away and I will find peace again, but its not coming and I don't know how to make it better.

I am still dealing with the in-law term oil, I don't know how much more I can take of this term oil. I love Aireanna so much that maybe I should rip the bandaid off now and have another family take her. Then I don't have to feel the loss as much when she leaves. I grown so attached to her. I know that is normal and all. But she calls me MOM, I don't enforce it, but I think its the only way she feel part of a family. She even call Meagan sister and Adam dad. Its almost like her were her surrogate family. The problem I have is that I can't hurt her that way, plus if the state decides to terminate her mom parental rights I want to be able to keep her in our family and not have her adopted by strangers. I am at the point that I can't imagine our home without her, that makes me feel bad, I know I am not her mother. I am not trying to replace her mother. I am just trying to be supportive to her and provide her with a consistent, safe, structured home environment.  What am I going to do, I have no support from my in-laws, they say they love me but their actions speak volumes of who they really care about. Their son and I are alone in this world and I know that now more then I have ever before. It breaks my heart in so many ways, I love them like they are my real family but I am not their blood.

Lately we have been talking about moving away, possible out of state to start  over, once all this custody crap is over. We feel like there is no longer anything keeping us here.  The problem with that is I love my family way too much to live too far from them. I live through my nieces and nephews because I don't get to do the same things with my daughter and I can't imagine not having a relationship with them. That would kill me. Plus all of Meagan's doctor's are here and I need that consistency, but I could move closer to my mom and rent out my house. I don't know what I want anymore!